The purpose of Life is to end

It’s been 2 weeks yet it feels so much like it only happened yesterday. 13 November we lost the one of us, who was the best of us.

mm’s sister passed away after a long illness.

Though she was ill for a long time and at the back of our minds there was always the possibility that she would not pull though, no one can ever be prepared when it happens. Death is always sudden, however inevitable it is. The weekend before when we visited she was so weak and tired and, now that I know more, in so much pain. But how brave was she that she never complained. That she chose to suffer alone and not add to the worry and burden that was already upon her family. So we carried on with our lives, we knew the situation was dire but there was always hope.

A hundred and forty-six “if-only’s” flash through my mind. If only I’d visited more often, if only the doctors were more aggressive, if only she talked about it. But none of it matters. This is how it is. It’s the will of God, or whichever deity one believes in. Having a faith matters. But still, this is the reality.

I can’t remember our last words, our last touch, I know I should be grief-stricken by these lost moments but all I feel are non-feelings. How many times in the past months have I held my girl while she despaired and tried not to think of the worst case scenario. My heart is heavy but there is no grief. My grandmother passed away last year and still I haven’t been able to cry for her. I haven’t cried for my friend. I’ve attended family gatherings where emotions ran high. I was there the whole time during the funeral. I saw people I cared about in their weakest, darkest moments. But me? I feel like a robot, going through the motions. Eating. Breathing. Sleeping. But not grieving. Which stage of grief is this fugue state? Did I skip denial, anger, bargaining, depression and go straight to acceptance? Or did I skip acceptance also and didn’t even start on the emotions?

I don’t want to feel.