reflecting, remembering

Yesterday we visited her sis. We went to the flower market on Saturday to get the flowers. I bought yellow tulips accompanied by small white flowers, I never know the names of flowers, I know I should. Apparently tulips mean love and passion, but yellow tulips mean “There’s sunshine in your smile”.

The area is concreted down and some of the neighbouring spaces already have headstones. We were able to find her place because her father sprayed a little green paint over it, as marker. It felt strange to walk on the concrete, I tried not to step directly on the ground right above the body, out of respect, and because I feel so weird about it. There were no containers yet so we laid the bouquets out on the ground.

Her parents are deciding on the wording on her headstone. I looked around on the net and found this:

Not gone from memory
Not gone from love
But gone to her Father’s
Home above

Is it disrespectful to look for epitaphs on the internet? I hope she will smile and say of course not. I like the simplicity and meaning of this inscription, I always wonder how people can be so eloquent and profound with just a few words.

As for the difficulty of expressing one’s feelings after loss, I wrote this when I was still in college. It’s not from personal experience, I have no idea where it came from.

Departure I : Silent Breeze

I was trying to write a song for you
Trying to write some words just for you
Trying to preserve in my mind’s eye
One special image of you

But all the words I wrote
Well none of them would do
These words
Words wrung from my heart
Words to tear me apart
Just weren’t the words for you

As I sat alone at my desk
For hours from dawn through dusk
I could only remember your last day
And the moments we had before you went away

Suddenly on my book I wept
And all the pain and hurt I’d kept
Deep inside the void in my heart
Came up and shook my spirit apart

And all the words I wrote
Well what good are they now
These words
Words wrung from my heart
Words to tear me apart
Will never be heard by you
Are you happy there
In that other place
Are you lonely there
In that other place
Please save some love for me
Please dream a little of me
Wait and I will come
To that other place
Some day

And though I tried my best
I could not let my grief rest
Though I know that none of the words here
Can bring you back to me

All the words I wrote
Do they matter at all
These words
Words wrung from my heart
Words to tear me apart
Just slow how fragile life is

And still …
Your memory ..
I am missing you …