Two full days and I did not touch a computer once. Not being at home, my home, helped, still I’m giving myself a little credit for not touching her iMac, hell I only went into her study once to get a T-shirt out of the closet. Even when she’s in the shower, or cooking. I was up to part 90-something of a fic that is currently at something like part 150 and just finished chapters that are arguably the best in the series. Lots of anticipation and wanting to read them over and over.
The thought was there. It whispered to me, quite insistently at times, that I can make time and read a couple of chapters. But I wanted to show where my priorities are, should be, that it’s what I want. That she’s not fighting a losing battle with the computer. Cos that has been mentioned, more than once. May be it’s false promises because we both know full well what I’d be doing come Sunday night and all the other nights during the week. That I can’t sustain a net-free existence for long and certainly where there is no end date.
Which means that at this stage we’re in no way ready to live in the same house again. Even though a small notion, an inkling, is germinating in both of our heads, the way one of us sometimes mentions it in passing. Our lives have moved apart due to the passage of time and circumstances. And we’ll need to grow closer and be more comfortable about this new incarnation of our relationship to even start thinking about building a life together.
So much has changed since those early days when we had very little money but so much more freedom. And at one stage, for some bizarre reason, 3 cars. That we didn’t have to apologise to anyone, including ourselves, if we slept in till the sun was way up in the sky, or frolicked till the moon has done its rounds through the night, or spread a sleeping bag out in the living room and spent whole days and nights there.
Now, now we’re different people. With jobs. And mortgages. And heads that would not stop churning out thoughts. That we talk about when we can afford to take a week’s break rather that if we can afford the price of the holiday. That we debate the merits of the different investment fund choices for our portfolio. That we talk about drawing up power of attorney for hospital visitation rights and inheritance rights.
I still have some doubts. I can’t forget what has happened before and I don’t want it a repeat of the pain. I can’t bring myself to say the words. I don’t know if I feel them yet. Truly feel them. I wait for the earthquake, the tingles and the breathlessness to hit me but they seem to have passed me by. Perhaps it doesn’t work that way any longer. Those are the usual manifestations of a new relationship. Ours isn’t new. Even though it’s only been 6 months or so this time round. There’s too much emotional baggage and history for the earth to shatter. It might tremble a bit but most of the time it’ll just rumble on steadily.
We’ve been together 5 or so years during the last 12. It’s not been easy. But I hope we want this enough to make it work. I do.