hot and cold

So yesterday I took a half day and was gone by noon. Picked up some Easter Eggs and ingredients for soup then headed for her place. She originally said she’d stay over at mine’s the night before my birthday but she was too sick, fever and stomach flu. I feel guilty because I let her sense my disappointment, even though logically and rationally she wasn’t in any shape to travel.

She was really tired so I left her in bed. Had a quick lunch, did some surfing, played Dope Wars, which I haven’t done in a long long long while.

Eventually I crawled into bed as well, although I didn’t consciously intended to sleep I pretty much fell asleep immediately. I must have been dreaming or stressed cos later she told me I was grinding my teeth.

I woke up when she started shivering. She said she was cold and she already had 3 blankets on. The shivering got worse and no amount of holding or wrapping helped. I was really worried. How could she be shivering when her temperature was at 101. Called the doctor who told us to get to his clinic asap (doesn’t he do house calls?). He was a bit worried as well and gave her new, stronger medicine.

Getting out and about may have helped, when we got home the shivering had stopped and after an hour or so she felt well enough to brave a shower while I stood watch. For a change no ulterior motives – well, not much.

I didn’t stay over. I can’t really say exactly why. I’m not going over tonight either.

I feel like I’m being an asshole. Not being there when I’m most needed. There’s guilt. A fair bit of guilt.

My feelings are like a seesaw, up and down, hot and cold, and I’m thinking, thinking. I can’t stop. Sometimes I have a deep, warm want that spreads up through me unabated. Other times I drift away, my mind on other things, things that have nothing to do with us, even though we’re sitting right next to each other.

We both deserve better. Just that right now I don’t know if I can give her everything she deserves, just like she’s feeling bad that she’s falling short of what she wants to give me.

So many words and I’m just skirting round the real issue and feelings.