My memory is getting worse these days, probably because I'm getting old. sf called this morning and asked what did I do during the weekend just passed. I had to make an effort to remember it before I could tell him. Oops.

So, last weekend. Well, did nothing and stayed in all day on Saturday. So tired and exhausted, or really, so unmotivated. As sf said this morning, I'm kind of stuck here. The problem is I don't like it here. They pay me ok, but there's not much for me to do and they have not been giving me the credits I deserve. Anyway, enough of moan and groan - what's the point? Things are not gonna change if I continue moaning and groaning. I should focus on the future.

Came across a few in-house positions lately. Although I don't 100% fit the profile they are looking for but I'm tempted to give it a try. I must get my acts together and get it done. I'll try to do my CV tonight. It may need a revamp as they may not want so much details. We'll see.

Sunday was great. Went to have homemade lunch made by bb after Sunday church. Yum yum! bb is such a good chef. I feel a bit guilty though, as she was so hot and wet just because she was making Sunday lunch for us. I enjoyed the 5-star menue immensely, but am a little unhappy as the lunch has made bb tired. She even insisted on cleaning up, whilst I napped on the couch - By now, you must be shouting "What a pig!" I'm so spoiled : P

Have also been thinking about a friend of mine who got married and is staying in Australia. She has liver cancer. I was lazy and haven't emailed her a little while. Then my best friend who also knows this lady in Aussi told me the lady's condition is not looking well. We used to go to the same college and she's just a year ahead of my best friend and I. I emailed her several weeks ago but haven't heard from her ... I'll pray for her.

In fact, several of my friends are not feeling well lately. One is in constant pain in the neck/shoulder area. bb too! I'll remember them all in my prayers.

Haven't received the Holy Communion in the last few weeks, although I went to Sunday mass. Plan to go to do confession after work today. This confession is in fact long overdue ... Hope I can escape then.

Attending Sunday mass at the usual chapel. We (member of the service team for that chapel) talked about our CNY gathering held last night. I was responsible for one of the games, which was very well received. I was told they all loved it and they were very happy! hee hee!

Picked up KFC and had chicken/chicken wings with bb at her place. We watched some travel/food programs on the tv and after a while, I dozed on her sofa, leaning on her. zzzzz ... I had a few attempts of making red beam and coconut pudding for CNY gathering, and I therefore had a few late nights. It wouldn't set but later, I figured out what went wrong and corrected it. It was successful ! I gave half to bb, and reserved the other half for my family tonight. bb loved it. She's so nice! : )

Had dinner with my family at the usual restaurant, celebrating mum's birthday. My newphew was really something. His family came last. When he enters, he gave a bouquet to mum. It's handmade, made with clay and paper. It's really nice, and of course, his mother helped a lot as the kid only turned 3 a month or so ago. My other sister in law and I each have a small bouquet too. So sweet of him.

They tried my new pudding and thought it was quite good, although a bit sweet. bb said the same thing later. I have improved on the recipe I found for this dessert. It 's now my own recipe. I will start a notebook and write down my recipes, and hopefully, one day, they will be published ! Yes, I am interested in a career with baking/dessert, and perhaps catering but that would be quite hard I reckon. Anyway, I still have a long way to go. My colleague and a friend have been talking about this. We need to be persistent lah!

Joined CC for a junk trip yesterday. We left the pier at around 1:30pm and got back to AMC by around 7 pm. I wasn't very keen but still joined them as I thought it's part of the "responsibilities" and partly to show some support for the efforts others made.

It turned out to be quite ok. There were 30/35 of us. Families came with their kids. People from Sunday Church are generally quite quiet and a bit more reserved than the other church's. But the atmostphere turned out to be quite good because of the kids. It's the first time I enjoyed the kids' screaming! Particularly enjoyed watching them being thrown out of the Banana into the sea! ha ha ha!

had dinner with my teacher and another two families. I didn't want to have dinner with her (my teacher) but I still offered (yes I did) and took her home afterwards. I thought it's a good opportunity to practice "you should love your neighbour as yourself." I did, not painful, just felt uneasy about it.

But I did it.

It's Mother's Day today. Went to Sunday Church in the morning and met mum for lunch at noon. She was happy to see the bouquet. Of course, it's from me! hee hee.

I also gave a bouquet to Ms. Chu. She didn't look at it much. She was busy collecting money for donation, doing this and that. Anyway, I noticed that she was a bit agitated. A few others noticed it too.

I told her I might not be there next Sunday. Before I told her the reason, she asked if I would be doing work for Legion of Mary. So smart! I told her I might be needed for the Procession of Mary Mother for Legion of Mary, but am waiting to be told what needs to be done. Then she said I couldn't escape from Father Lok. I don't know whether that was a positive, negative or neutral comment. But as Sister Catherine taught me, I should do what I think it is right. I think helping God through her Church is good and right. Even if Ms. Chu doesn't like it as she prefers us to stay with CC, I can't help it. And you are right, I'm not leaving CC, so sometimes, I'm a bit lost on what exactly is the issue or the problem.

Other members of CC also help their own parish church, but they keep quiet about it, and didn't tell Ms. Chu. If CC's event clashes with their obligations with other church, they just say they would be busy or not available.

I wasn't going to tell her, but she guessed it.

Lunch was good. There was just mum and I. We both enjoyed it. Then we went back to her home. We spent time chatting, and she taught me how to make flowers with ribbon (those you would put on gifts after you have wrapped them). We shared our believe and talked about our pilgrimage this year too. I felt close to her and very much enjoyed the time with her. I hope she feels the same too.

At the end of our lunch, I asked mum if I am any different to before I was baptised. She said yes. She said I'm a lot more energetic now. She said before that, when she called me on Sunday, I'm usually in bed and sometimes, she was afraid to call or she would wake me up. Asking me to join them for dim sum lunch was bad. Either I would say yes, I'll be there in an hour as I needed to wash myself and travel there, or I would ask them not to count on me as they would have to wait for me lah. It was so funny when she said it. Yes, I remembered I said those things myself. Mum said at least now, they get to see me more often and there is better hope for me to join them for dim sum lunch and dinner. I was a bit ashamed of myself, being such a bad daughter.

I'll work on it and improve on it. God help me lah!

For dinner, we stayed at home and she cooked. My brothers and their families joined us too. The food was excellent. Mum is the best cook! The atmostphere was good too.

My sister-in-law said my younger brother and she would be going on pilgrimage this summer too! What co-incidence! They too are going to Israel, although they won't be going to the Vatican. Instead, they would be going to Egypt. That's natural, as they belong to the Church of England; the Vatican doesn't have special meaning to them. Their trip would start on the last few days of ours, so I may not see them much around that time.

It's a wonderful day. My heart is filled with love and joy! Alleluia!

A lot happened today:

1. Sam's admission

Yes, I did it! I moved Sam's admission to be a solicitor of the local courts. It's my first time. Got up early, got into the office first to collect the robe and took a taxi to the Court. I was there even before her and her boyfriend! ha ha ha!

I made a few amendments to the speech yesterday and she approved of it. I practised that speech a few times. I was a bit nervous and prayed before I left office that I won't mess things up for Sam!

It went ok, I think. There were only about 11 to be admitted. We started just after 9:30am and finished by around 10:30 am at the most. Then we had champagne at the Shangri-la and stayed there chatted until around 12 noon. bb called my mobile and we spoke in the interim. :) They booked a table for lunch at a very nice restaurant but I wasn't keen. I said I'll do some shopping - need to look for a departure gift for my secretary. And I went to my brother's office to return the robe to him (He borrowed it from his friend for me), stayed there a little while before I went to do a little shopping. Didn't buy anything at all. I think a Burberry wallet would be quite nice but it's slightly out of budget. So, I'm still considering it.

2. Shopping at the local convent garden

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. I thought about getting something for mum. Eventually, I opted for flowers. I don't think she receives bouquet often so I think that'll be rather nice. All female like flowers, right?

So I shopped at the local convent garden. I must have went round that market a few times as I spent some 2 hours there! I didn't have anything in mind and when I did, I couldn't get fresh and nice ones for my mum, and had to look for alternatives. I wasn't going to buy anything for Ms. Chu but then a thought came to my mind and thought it would be nice to get her some flowers too. So I did eventually. She's an elderly lady, having limited families afterall. Whatever happened, happened. I should open my heart and put it in the past. I felt happy for being able to put it behind and have a "big (or bigger) heart" . :)

3. Mass and class

Yes, then went to the Anticipated Mass and the post-baptism class. I deliberately went there early to join the others to say a Rosary before that mass. I thought I might be a little late so I walked pretty fast from the flower market to the church, but I got there just in time - hee hee!

I felt very good after the mass, as it's one of those I concentrated well. My mind and thoughts didn't wonder off too much. I like this week's Gospel. It has a lot of depth and I like this in particular: "Abide in me, and I in you." I feel so close to Him, especially when I received the Communion. It's so romantic!

The class was good too. Lot's of fun! The group is pretty nice and a few of us have a good sense of humour so we often have a good laugh ! :D

4. Wrapping papers and ribbons

After that, I looked for wrapping papers and ribbons. I needed to arrange the flowers into a nice (or at least, acceptable) bouquets for mum and Ms. Chu. I was late and a lot of the stationery shops on my way home were already closed. By the time I got everything and got home, it was already 11 pm. I had something to eat and then started the flower arrangements. No, I never learnt how to do it and I'm not artistic. When I was young and was attending school, my artistic works that needed to be handed in (as it was part of the curriculum) were finished most by my sister at my mum's request. My sister often couldn't understand why she had to pick up the pieces for me. You see, I usually left those artistic homeworks until the last minute and usually after the clock had struck 10:30pm or 11pm, I would have started a little bit of it but would be stuck, or started to sob, or something, then my mum would come to help. When either she had something else to do or when she too was stuck, she would ask my sister to help me out. She was young too and often she had to climb out of bed to help me! ha ha ha! Thinking back, it sounds so funny and a lot of memories come back to me. Only if my sister is here to share those memories with me now. But I should wish that she's now in heaven, be with our Father, enjoying peace and everlasting life. And I will see her again one day. I suppose I better be good from now on or I may not go to heaven to see her lah! :P

It took me 2 hours to finish wrapping two bouquets, which are not big at all ! By the time I finished, it was already 2am. I didn't realise it was so late, but I enjoyed doing it. :)

It's been a while since I post anything here. (I just checked - it's almost been a month! wow, time really flies!!) Yes, because of laziness. A number of things have happened and I wanted to post it here so that there'll be a record of them, but ...

That's the past. I'm making an effort now. Here's a summary of what has happened, insofar as I can recall and/or worth mentioning here.

1. Pilgrimage in July 2006

At the end of April 2006, Father Lok told me they were going to Israel and Rome in July 2006. I was very interested and wanted to join them immediately. Me being me, I obtained the itinery and the application form (yes, you have to apply for it; something that - at least on the face of it - money doesn't seem to be able to buy) and considered it over the long week in the beginning of May 2006. It goes without saying that I was babbling to bb.

On the following working day, I applied for 2 places - for mum and I. Yes, mum is coming too. I was hesitant as I'm not patient enough and in fact, I debated whether to ask her to join us. I blame myself for having such hesitation as afterall, she's my mum! I only have one; my sister is not with us, my brothers are busy with their respective families ...

There were two difficulties: (1) the travel agent said the tour was already full and mum and I were on waiting list (2) the dates directly clashed with my boss and Richard's leave. (1) was quickly resolved - Father Lok said no problem, although the travel agent still maintains mum and I were on waiting list. (2) was difficult. I spoke to Richard twice and you should have seen the guy's attitude. Not only was it totally non-negotiable, he was rude and bold - bearing in mind his leave had not been approved !! I even told him that if we could not reach a compromise, it's possible that neither of us would be going away. He went, "If the partner tells me he doesn't approve my leave, I'll live with it." So much for a friend ! From then on, I don't talk to him. If he comes into my office, I pretend I'm busy.

I so much wanted to join the others to pilgrimage that I was planning to resign if necessary. Yes, I was very serious about it. To say that I'm interested is an understatement. As I was saying to sf, somehow I felt an urge to go; I don't remember wanted something so badly. I prayed earnestly. I was very sad for an evening or two I was hard-pushed to have someone to talk to; someone who would understand where I was coming from. I called Sister Catherine and felt much better after having spoken to her. She said she would pray for me. In one of my emails to Father Lok keeping him up to date of my position, I asked him to pray for me too. So thick-skin!

My boss is a Christian so he could understand much better. Eventually, he approved my leave - so all 3 of us are going way at the same time. When I told Sister Catherine the good news, she was very happy for me and said after we hang up, she would go to their chapel and thank God. She's wonderful ! I don't know what to do without her.

2. Argument with Ms. Chu on 7 May 2006

I had an argument with Ms. Chu last Sunday. She returned from her pilgrimage last Saturday evening and took Sunday off, so I didn't see her that day. I excused myself from attending a talk about Mary Mother in this coming Saturday, as I have to attend an after-baptism class that runs until end of June 2006. I went back to the office in the afternoon after Sunday Church. Around 3pm, Ms. Chu called. She yelled at me and cross-examined why I'm not attending the talk. I said because I needed to attend the class at St. Teresa's Church. The timing of the two clashes directly with each other. I can only be at one place at one time. She said people put in effort to organise a talk, she told the speaker (Sister Watt) that there'll be a great turnout, whatever I'll learn at that class I can always learn it any other time (implying that she could teach me too), that all I needed to do is to speak to Father Lok and excuse myself, that I'm newly baptised ... blah blah blah. I told her I have taken all those into account when I considered the matter and I think it's more important for me to attend the class than the talk. The class is a once in a life time thing as you are only baptised once, whilst you could and would have talks about Mary Mother later. She wouldn't accept it and kept yelling and screaming at me. Eventually, I said I'd consider it. I just wanted to put down the phone. No point of arguing with her. My position is clear and I have stated it in unequivocal terms.

I was so upset - what have I done wrong??! Why was I put under such tremendous pressure? She sounded as though if the turnout is not good, that's my fault. Am I that important??! Shed a few tears because I was furious with her attitude. Prayed again, then spoke to Yolanda. I said I'm sure I'll learn something whichever event I attend. I weighted the importance and meaning of them before making the decision. And Ms. Chu sounded as though it's important for me to attend the talk on Mary Mother because she needed the number of people or she'll lose face. Sorry, how does that come into the equation??! I felt much better having talked to Yolanda. :)

A few days later, she called again and asked if I'd make a donation to some charity. I agreed at $100. As soon as I said that, there were a few seconds of silence. She must have been expecting more. Well, charity is not the kind of things you could force upon another, right? During that conversation, she said re talk on Mary Mother, she would respect my decision whatever I decide to do, although she wanted me to go to CC. I said nothing. As I said, I have already stated my position. Why repeat myself, when doing so may provoke her??

That same evening, I bumped into Yolanda. Told her re this conversation. It's good to talk to her. :)

From that incident, I'm not sure if my relationship with Ms. Chu could be as good as before. Or look at it another way, I don't want to put all resources on one person. She has all the assistance from CC members. I think if possible, I should help others who are more needy. So perhaps not just this one incident, but it may be a catalyst. I should perhaps thank this incidence as it helps me to crystalise my views and gives me a chance to put some distance between us, as I find her too attached to me. I don't like it and don't feel comfortable with it.

I don't know how she feels. Perhaps she thinks I'm not obedient and rebellious, and I have changed since my baptism, because I don't need her anymore, etc etc. Perhaps the feeling is mutual in that she too, wants to put so distance between us.

If so, that's a compromise.

3. Ms. Chu's visit to CC on Sunday

Spoke to Yolanda re this Sunday. She would take Ms. Chu to CC, although taking her back remains an issue. It's Mother's Day this Sunday and we both have plans. We agreed that she would quietly ask CC members tomorrow when she sees them at the talk. The worst scenario is that we'll put her on a taxi, as there's no slope from where she usually gets off taxi and her flat, so she should be able to cope.

We also agreed that bringing her back to her place after Sunday Church is something CC needs to address as it's looking to be long-term. The problem is occupying someone to specially take care of her every week. We all have our own families, obligations and lives. That may sound selfish, and yes, it is selfish. But we are only human. Further, if we devote all time to her, how would that be fair to our own families, our friends and ourselves??

May be we'll see how well she copes this weekend; perhaps she doesn't need extra help? Even if she does, may be we could take turns??

4. sf

During our conversation today, sf said I should not be obssessed with the Religion; that I should keep a balance. That came about when he asked for my plans this weekend, and I told him I'm going to a class at the Church tomorrow and meeting mum and my family after Sunday Church. He didn't give me a chance to respond. Weird. He also said it's "nonsense" for me to become a nun. Why such unsolicited comments/opinions and also over-reaction it seems??

I just wanted to tell him that I enjoy doing what I'm doing. Who knows? My enthusiasim may die sooner than anyone knows - me being an Aries, although I pray that this will never happen to me.

Why can't he be a bit more like bb, just a bit??! (shoe-shining lah! hee hee)

5. Legion of Mary

Since this March, Father Lok has been recommending this to me. I visited them twice at their weekly meetings and enjoyed them. I like the team spirit and politics-free atmosphere. Father Lok is leading - may be that's why.

I told them I am interested to join them. The procedure is I would then be on probation for 3 months - a chance for me to see if it suits me and if I suit them. However, since I have registered for a short course for the newly baptised (a course in which a number of senior Fathers would be speaking), and that I would be going to prilgrimage, I would only start my probation in August 2006. No hurry. If that's what God wants me to do, I'll do it, sooner or later.

I wasn't going to go on the short course, but Sister Catherine highly recommended it. So I registered it.

6. Sister Catherine

I like Sister Catherine very much and feel very comfortable to share my feelings with her. I knwo she would understand and can see where I'm coming from. The issue of my intended resignation is an example. She didn't say, "yes, do it." Her advice was objective, balanced, realistic and she has no agenda! Now, that's very important.

7. Moving Sam

I'm moving Sam to be a local solicitor tomorrow morning. It's my first time - first debut! Feel very honoured that I'm asked to do so for her. I'm thrilled and excited about tomorrow. Tonight, I'll pray that all goes well, that I won't make a fool of myself and at the same time, embarrass Sam.

Slept until around 9:30am / 10am. Slept quite well. Heart wasn't pounding too hard then. Around mid-morning, my teacher called to congratulate me. Dad was arriving this afternoon and mum and him were to have dim sum tea. I was invited too, but I declined and said I would rather stay at home to prepare myself for tonight.

This is the day I've been waited for so long! As I said in the article that was published in the local Catholic newspaper, I have always wished and longed to be God's child. And yes, it's gonna be tonight! It's taken me a long time and a long way to God but from this evening onwards, I shall be one of His children.

Like yesterday, I read the bible and more from Benny and Priscilla's book. Prayed. Surfed a while. Eat a bit too much, I guess it's comfort eating. Went to local shop to get the sponge for applying make up foundation. What else? May be watched a bit of TV. Then I started to get change and get ready.

Left home around 5 pm in the end. I was going to leave a bit earlier but somehow, time flew quickly. Got to St. Teresa's church at around 6pm. Sat at the garden where they honour St. Mary, prayed and had a granary roll and some water. The ceremony would last until 11pm and there would be no time for dinner. After I've been to the washroom and let people know that I had arrived, I entered the church, and prayed more. I could really feel the anxiety.

At around 7pm, met with my Godfather and I led him to our seat. He gave me a crucifix that has been blessed by Father, and a wallet-sized card. I said that's great as I can put his card in my wallet that would be with me wherever I go. :)

My family and friends gradually arrived. They were my family - my parents, my two brothers, Anita, bb; my ex-colleagues - Monita and Isana; CC members - Patrick, Winnie, Yolanda, Joseph, Zeno and Catherine; from King's - Peter, Stephen, Arthur and Peter's friend who came from Japan; and from Bedford Girls - Barbara, Emily and Paulina. Almost two dozen - wow!

Before the ceremony formally started, Father Lok reminded us what to do and of the run-down, and we rehearsed for baptism and the receiving of candles representing the light.

It formally started shortly after 8pm. It started with Lighting of Candles. All lights in the church was switched off. Father Lok blessed the flame and lit the Special Candle. Then the several Fathers, Deacon Tse and alter boys entered, followed by several readings from the Old Testament. This part of the ceremony wasn't in mum's baptism ceremony.

The second part the ceremony started very much like a mass. The additional bit was to baptise 140 of us, and for us to receive the Confirmation, followed by the Holy Eucharist/Communion. As there were so many of us to be baptised and even more to receive the Holy Communion, I reckon all relevant hymns in that hymn book were sung! I have, of course, taken the advantage of learning a few new ones!

As soon as the ceremony was over, we took a group photo. Actually, I'm not sure if it was taken as I thought I heard the cameramen saying that the group was too large. We were then broken up into several smaller groups according to the catechumen classes. Then I was called by my parents, or was it my friends I could not recall. I only remember that when I was getting change after I got home, I regretted not having had a photo with Father Lok alone. I was busy socialising with my various friends. I really wanted to thank him personally. Although I can still do it when I see him next time, like in the next two months, I would be attending his "consolidation class" every Saturday evening, 7:15pm. But it won't be on the same occasion. My elder brother told me that Father Lok had been surrounded by the crowd and left pretty soon afterwards, so there wasn't much chance for that anyway.

I have taken a shower and cleaned off all make ups. I've also opened the gifts I've received. I am still thrilled and too excited, and couldn't quite sleep or wouldn't want to sleep quite as yet. I know I must as I need to pick up Ms. Chu at around 8:15pm to go to CC. It's already passed 2am. I must do what I must do. I pray that I would not get up too late tomorrow. :P

Today is the last day at work before the 4-day public holiday, celebrating Easter. My colleagues collectively gave me a baptism gift and a card, giving me all the good and warm wishes. How very nice of them! Some of them are even not Christian!

I went into the office late today, quite usual lately as there was nothing to do. When I got into my office, I was hit by a huge bouquet of flowers! It's really huge! They smelt gorgeous! It's from William, congratulating me in advance for my baptism. It's so nice of him! He's going to Taiwan over the weekend on business and could not come to the ceremony.

It's Holy Thursday. There was a special mass at Catholic Centre at 5:30pm then there'll be bible sharing at 8pm; same place. I could have made to the mass on time but I wanted to drag 2 of my colleagues, who are lapsed Catholic to it too. One had a medical appointment and couldn't go anyway. The other was going to go but when the clock struck, she needed to speak to the stupid partner ... Well, same old story, nothing new. So, I went on my own and joined from Father Russell's preaching.

Had lunch with a few CC friends. Sharing started shortly after 8pm and continued until after 10pm. It was good; Benny led us and he was, as always, very well prepared. It was a little longer than usual as one of the attendees talked about her children, how to teach them ... things that are irrelevant to what was discussed and to be discussed. If Benny had not intervened a few times, sharing might take a bit longer. Not that I mind the length of bible sharing. Bible sharing is good. I like them. But not sharing re how to teach children and re comparison between Catholics and the Church of England, for example.

After that, I rushed back to the office to get the bouquet and back to CC to take my teacher home. I didn't want to bring it to CC earlier to avoid attention and questions! A few of them saw it and was envy how wonderful the bouquet was. But they didn't ask any questions, or there wasn't much time for them to do so because soon, my teacher and I got into a taxi and left. Surprising, my teacher didn't ask any question either. My teacher is a nice person, but pretty nosy sometimes. If I answer the phone in front of her, she would ask who it was and so on. Somehow I didn't want to say anything, not that there was anything to hide, but just don't feel like "reporting." So, I would just smile. :)

On the way to my office, Benny and Priscilla gave me a book as my baptism gift. It's from Father Choi. It's his preaching on the Sunday Gospel for Year B, which is the current liturgical year. Many thanks to them. I asked them for their autograph on the book too! hee hee.

First day back to work after bbmm's birthday trip. Called sf and spoke to him. He claimed to have sent me a sms on my birthday. I said I didn't get it. It transpired that he remembered it wrongly - he thought it's the 5th! What an idiot!

My boss asked about my trip. I said it was good, but I have allergy probably because of the difference in weather. He looked at me as though the allergy is contagious! Does he have any common sense??!

My teacher asked if I could take her home tonight. I debated about that throughout the day. At the end, time permits so I did. I tried to avoid that because I didn't want her to rely heavily on me again, like what she did before the Korean trip. I felt pressure and wasn't too happy about it. In the end, I left it with Him. I didn't think I could make it anyway because I was waiting for my boss' comments on a draft email, but at around 6:30pm, he said he didn't need me to finalise the email and that I could go. I thought if God has made it possible, I should do as He wanted me to and go with the flow. In the end, it wasn't a bad ride, although I was still a little tired.

When we got to her flat, she gave me a pen (which by Tuesday pm, I still haven't opened it) and a holy cross key ring. I told her I have plenty of pen and key rings, and she should give them to the needy ones. She insisted. So I accepted them and said I shall treat them as a gift from her for my baptism, and I shall accept no more gifts.

The fact is throughout the years, I have been various pens of various brands, but I still prefer the biro from Stablio - they are cheap but very good!

Finished the rest of the homeworks Father Lok asked me to do and sent them to him before I left office. I congratulated myself for having made them before my baptism this Saturday! hee hee.

Didn't sleep much last night. After I unpacked some of the stuff from the suitcase and showered, it's already past midnight. Watched a bit of TV. I think I went to sleep at around 2am, but then I was waken up by my skin allergy - my limbs felt so itchy! I already put medicated ointment on them straight after I showered, so it subsided at the time, but it came back! So I got up and put a fresh layer on them and slept for a few more hours before getting up for Sunday Church. That was difficult and I felt sooooooo tired! If it was any regular service, I might have skipped that service and attend another, but we have bible sharing and choir practice for broadcast on 23 April 2006, so.

After the service, we (other church members and I) went for dim sum lunch, as usual. After bible sharing and choir practice, it's already 5pm. Two other members and I saw my teacher and another member (who's taking her home) to a taxi and we took the tube. Then I met up with bb at the foot massage place. We didn't speak much. We were both tired. But it's nice to have her around.

Then I went to have dinner at my elder brother's place with his family and mum. Then went home. Went to sleep soon after midnight and having surfed a little. Slept better that night.

Yes, it's my birthday today and I think it's worth recording what I did today, so many years after, I can read back to myself. :)

My first date - Made an effort to attend the morning service at 7:15am at the local church. well, I was a bit late and by the time I got there, Father was preaching on that day's Gospel. The service finished at around 7:45am. I felt good after that.

Then went to Park n' Shop to get a few groceries. Got home and had some of the remaining dishes in my fridge. You see I'm flying tonight (midnight, 5 April 2006) and have to kill all parishable food in my fridge before then. Surfed a while, listened to Father Lok's preaching from the net, watched a bit of TV, then left to attend my second date - meeting Sister Catherine at St. Clare's.

Got there at around 11:30am. Mum was there already. She showed us around the newly decorated school. Wow, it's fantastic! We went to have dim sum lunch at Mum's favourite restaurant then we parted. I went to Catholic Centre to get a birthday card for Father Lok - It's his birthday on 6 April, 2 days after mine! :)

Then went home and wrote the card. It took me a bit of time to think about what to say in it plus a bit of time to draft it. After that was done, I started packing. didn't take me long. Soon after that, bb called and went through her checklist with me - smack!

Finished the rest of the food in the fridge, took a shower, changed and I was on my way to the airport!

During the day, I got several calls and various sms from my friends. One of those sms was from a friend at Sunday church. Nothing from sf, notwithstanding we met briefly this afternoon so that I could return a DVD to him. I don't think he has forgotten about it, but he has remembered it wrongly!

I didn't plan to visit my teacher tonight, but she called and asked for my help to delivery something urgent for her to Dominican of which she's a member. Besides, I obtained further information re the peaceful alarm and I wanted to get it settled and fixed before I go away next week. So I went to see her after work.

We talked about the alarm. She agreed, finally! I'll speak to that company and get it done asap.

Another lady member was there when I got there. We had a good conversation. That member was there when my teacher interviewed the part-time helper. We discussed it afterwards. That part-time helper sounded promising. I asked my teacher to ask her other student (who's going to pay for the service) to take a look and to deal with other matters for her, as a sign of respect at the very least. She agreed.

Just as I anticipated, my teacher is thinking of going back to CC full-time, 7 days a week. I tried to talk her out. She'll start part-time first. Let's see how she gets on.

Told my teacher that I'll be away next week. She asked where I'm going and with whom. I told her the destination and that I'll be going with "a friend". hee hee. Guess what she said? She said I don't look like someone who would get married! Oh no!

Just when I want to go yoga, it's often bad timing.

Sister Catherine came to attend the mass at our chapel this morning. It's very nice to see her again! Didn't speak much with her - she came around 9:15am, then she prayed. Soon after that, I had choir practice until beginning of the mass. Obviously, no talking then. After the mass, the conductor for our choir saw her and spoke to her. I only spoke to her after that. That was brief and I saw her to the taxi. Although I didn't give her a copy of the newspaper with my article published, I told her about it and she said she should have a copy of it at home.

Had a fairly long discussion with other members re my teacher's plan to go to work in April. She walks fairly well, but she doesn't manage steps and slopes well. She doesn't have much confidence in them. Ideally, the part-time helper could take her to the MTR station too after her work at my teacher's place. I had a discussion with my teacher after I brought her home. I suggested may be she could work part-time, at least to start with, thus get more exercise and get the strength back. She works long hours at the chapel and involves a lot of hard work. She agreed without much resistance! I'm grateful to God! I prayed and prayed in the last few days, and God has again answered my prayer! Thanks be to God!

Re the "bell for peace of mind", she's a little resistant to it, even when I've asked for it as my baptism gift! She's concerned about the cost. I made enquiry this evening (yes, they are open - 24/7). It's about GBP 8 per month if we were going to rent one, or GBP 5 per month if we were to purchase a new one for her at around GBP 180. I'm thinking of absorbing the cost myself, probably go for rental. Is a burden to me, particularly psychologically, but pecuniary-wise, it's not that much. What does bb think?

I was moody today. Could be because it's pre-deadline. I think because I feel unjust - that I'm doing a lot of my teacher and whilst a few others are also doing so, they don't take any initiative! It's such a big cultural difference! Not just in terms of different countries, but also I think different work environment. In the industry I'm working at, you are trained to be proactive. It may also be because my teacher criticised me unjustly yesterday or on the day before. Further, I'm frustrated at not having enough private time, that too much has been given to her. I know she needs me now, and that I should not feel that way. She kept saying she wants to be independent and she's working very hard on it. Sometimes, I think whether I'm doing all these as part of repentance for the blunders I've made against Him in the past and perhaps still doing. I asked for His forgiveness again and again, but I'm still making the same mistake. But I feel better now. Let's put it behind me.

We should "love each other as we love ourselves." I've been adequately provided for and was given the gift of bb. I should be more generous to the needy. :)

I have also prayed hard that I be rescued from where I work. I'll keep at it.

Been spending hours on the phone in the last two days, liaising with church members re home visits chez my teacher. They are not difficult people and I believe they are actually nice people. The problem is I feel the difference - big difference - I take initiative and would deal with things as quickly as I can unless there are things that are beyond my control. The others are generally otherwise.

What happened was I sent an email to the Sunday Group to fix next week's schedule early. I told them weekend and going to church is no problem - I'll deal with it. I also said I'll go on Wednesday, and asked others to fill other gaps.

Up till now, there's no reply other than 2. Then I have to deal with 2 long-winded mums but at least, now things are finalised. And that's not via email but telephone. I did ask what would be easiest to them - should I send email to them or call them on the phone. They asked messages to be sent via email. But what's the point when no one bothers to reply??!

They are so passive; or I'm too proactive! I winged at my secretary today about this. I said now I understand why Fr. Lok has his eyes on me! I'm so proud of my intelligence - well, I've been well-trained by bb! :P

My article has been published! I just checked my office email (some instinct drove me doing so - told by God??) and got an email from Fr. Lok. It took me a while to disencode it. It's an email from him informing me that my article is published in this week's Catholic newspaper, on page 8. How every nice and caring of him! Bless him!!

It's the article that Fr. Lok asked me to prepare. It's about how I feel now, whilst waiting to be baptised this year. I spent quite some time to prepare it. I really did put my heart and soul to it. The coincidence is that my thought somehow matches that of Bishop Zen's (as he then was) - In my article, I drew an analogy of a couple who has been dating for a long while and when they have agreed to tie the nod, other than feeling thrilled, I am also concerned - if I'll ever be a good Christian and follow Jesus for the rest of my life. At the 2nd pre-baptism ceremony, Bizhop Zen drew a similar analogy. He said we are going to be "married" to the Church this Easter! I've always said I took my baptism very serious and see it as something most important to my life, even to marriage. An article about that ceremony with Bishop Zen's quote is also published in this issue of the Catholic newspaper.

It's the first time that my work gets published in newspaper, other than written submissions that I prepared on the Lady's case and were adopted by the trial judge in whole as part of his judgment. The entire judgment was overturned last year, except the part that I prepared, which was not even subject to appeal! Yes, I bit of self-praising! ha ha ha!

I must get this week's issue - 2 or 3 copies? One for myself, one for sister Catherine as she has asked for it. Should I get one for Ms. Chu/Sunday Church?? May be I'll just show them mine.

For sure, I'll be showing it to bb. No escape lah - sorry! :P :D

I gave our financial adviser's name and contact details to my secretary. Hope it'll be helpful to both of them. :)

I've started on another module on my distance-learning course for my baptism. The first paper is about 10 commendments. The short question is what are my thoughts on the content of that paper. I had a bit of difficulty and took me a bit of time to come up with something to say. Yes, I can say so crap but I want to think about it and share my honest view with Fr. Lok. He's such a good teacher.

Then I read today's scripture. It's exactly on point (Matthew 5:17-19)! Another co-incident! This year's Year B and we are sharing the Gospel of Mark. I don't know why today's scripture is Matthew. I've noticed that there was a day or two when they read Luke. May be it's a question I can ask Father or my teacher.

That reading came with meditation and it inspired me re my answer to the short question.

Because I've been taking care of my teacher, I haven't done much homework lately. Now my brothers and sisters in Christ are helping out (see my other post of today's date). I better get on with it at full speed.

Attended Sunday church and had a discussion with those members. We agreed to have a schedule to visit my teacher.

Then went to St. Francis of Assisi for the second pre-baptism ceremony. It's about 2 to 3 times bigger than St. Teresa's and it's very nice. Because it's so big, when everyone sang the hymns, it sounded beautiful !

It's purely a ceremony as suppose to a mass as there was no breaking of bread (of course, most of us are not Catholics yet). In the middle of the ceremony, I cried. I don't know why, the tears just came. I was touched; moved. For what? I don't know. I was sitting between mum and my Godfather. Mum noticed it a bit later but didn't say anything. Don't know about my Godfather.

The Catholics-to-be from different church then had a photo taken with Bishop Zen. Godfather left before then as he has another engagement.

Mum and I then went to my family's favourite restaurant for dinner, celebrating for my birthday in advance. Yes, it's about 2/3 weeks in advance - we are all busy people. bb and sister catherine came too - What privilege!

Sister gave me a birthday card and present. It's a book relating to Mary Mother and the card has wonderful words on it. Sister is so nice. Bless her!

Stayed with bb last night. I planned to say a prayer then snuggle up, but I fell asleep in the middle of my prayer! Oops!

Went to work today. Not much to do lately. In fact, I have hardly any chargeable hours. Went home straight after that to put down the overnight stuff and had some lunch before going to pick up my teacher from her home. We took a taxi for a 3pm appointment with her doctor. Then we walked back to the chapel. We stopped in the interim for afternoon tea! Then I attended the anticipatory mass with her, followed by Way of the Cross. We went out for dinner together with other church friends. Dinner was nice. A lot of laughters. My teacher was very happy. It was getting late, around 10 pm and everyone wanted to go but my teacher is probably the only exception. I don't blame her. She's been house-bound for so long and it's the first meal she had outside for a few weeks, and there's so much laughter! When I go to her place, I tried to be as cheerful as I can and try to cheer her up as much as I can too. But there's a limit. It's been about 2 weeks of nearly everyday visit and taking care of my teacher. There had been quite a lot running around for her too. It's pretty tiring, I must say.

No, I'm not complaining. Just recording how I feel. At dinner, while my teacher was away to the washroom, I told the others that I have spoken to another church friend and she was going to say to all after tomorrow's service. I said we need some schedule among ourselves so that the work of taking care of my teacher could be shared among us, rather than just the few of us. I explained the situation and my teacher's condition. We need some short-term plan and a tentative medium term plan, as my teacher is considering getting back to work. She is not yet confident to walk to the tube station on her own, as there are steps and slopes. For the same reason, she needs someone to go home with her.

I told them for the last 2 weeks, things at work are ok and my boss had been away. Now he's back and things are picking up, I'm not sure if my working hours could be as regular as it has been.

The other thing is I'm sacrificing not only my time, but also those I spend with my family and bb. It's not them who needs me. It's the other way round. I need them.

It's also taxing on my work, in a way, as I'm so tired.

I suggested that we need someone on duty and perhaps someone as insurance in case the one on duty becomes unavailable at short notice for whatever reason.

Well, at least I have raised it. Let's see what they come up with.

I'm going to the usual 9:30am service. Attending mass on two consecutive days. wow!

Got up early. Put on the new clothes bb bought me from India - a t-shirt and a pashimina - not too thick, just right for today:) - then went to collect my teacher from home with that other yound lady. When I got there, my teacher was having breakfast - she has diabetics and forgot to have her pills today, and when she remembered, she had to have breakfast.

We took a taxi together and got to CC at around 9:15am.

After mass and rosary prayer, I meant to take my teacher home then return to CC for bible sharing. But my teacher had to give orders to others - who does what - and remind this and other persons, we didn't leave CC until 12:30pm. When we got to her place, I had to check her fridge to see what groceries she needs. I even cooked soup for her - potatos, tomatoes and pork. Of course, then she has to make sure the soup doesn't get burnt. Then I took an express bus and got back to CC by around 2pm. The others have lunch, like any other days before bible sharing. They had dim sum. I was hoping someone would ask if I need anything then they would get a doggy bag for me. None, sadly. When I called one of the members just after I left my teacher's flat, that member asked if she could get me something to eat. I thought, "Ah, so someone does care." So I asked where they are. She said they already finished. Then I thought no point. And I said I'll get a cake at a bakery close by. I also bought a bottle of drinks. That's my lunch.

Bible sharing was followed by choir practice. That ended around 4pm. Then I attended "an interview" for CC's monthly newsletter. I did it ever so reluctantly. I don't want any publicity. In the end, what happened was we (the interviewers and I) chatted. Some questions I decline to answer. A lot of them was about my family. I just told them how many siblings I have. I was afraid they would dig deeper. I know it's a fact and I don't want to lie, but I really do not know if I could bring myself to talk about my family's loss. Neither do I want to tell them I had a sad and somewhat withdrawn childhood. bb knows all these.

We finished at aroun 6pm. I went to my parents' place. Unfortunately, I mixed up their flight time with their arrival time, so I was too early. Since I have such a headache, I bought a few Korean DVDs for CC in London and went home.

I think I'm simply tired. I feel very tired. The young lady who went to CC with my teacher and I this morning had her eyes closed from time to time during our practice choir. And I had to attend a further "interview."

I've been thinking what bb says in her other post. What are we in the eyes of God? Today it seems that I'm doing all these good deeds trying to compensate for something that may displease our God, but which I'm helpless to change and may even want it to last as long as it can.

Last night, bb said she would support mm to be a sister. mm is touched. At this stage, mm is still searching for God's plan for her.

Left work around 6-ish. Called my teacher to see if she needed any grocery. Got them and got to her flat at around 7pm. Another Father and her other friends from Dominican visited her. Father blessed her flat and her. They chatted whilst I stayed quiet. They got on very well. They jokes and laughed too. The atmostphere was good.

Then I cooked dinner for both of us and prepared food for her for tomorrow. In terms of ingredients, she only has salt. She has sugar too but as she's a little diabetic, I didn't dare to put too much in. Cooked mince pork and pumpkin with rice. We both thought it was a bit too salty. She uses a different type of salt. I'll try again next time.

Then she called one of the members of Sunday church to come to her flat. That lady is studying a technical college. My teacher told me before that she's not happy because her father and brother would beat her if they are unhappy. Her mum doesn't trust her either, even where there's a witness supporting her story. It's sad to hear that. I'm a lucky girl. Although I was unhappy and pretty withdrawn when I was young, I have been well looked after and well rewarded by our Father in heaven. Those experience sometimes still haunts me and they made me sad and feeling unwanted. When they do, I would try to focus on what I have now and those experience were there to make me feel for others. They got me prepared for what I could do now - that I could understand a bit more about people's unfortunate experience and comfort them the best I could. They have also made me more considerate.

Recently, people say I'm optimistic. Like one of the secretaries in office, she said once a very sad person see me, they will be happy; they would see me as the source of happiness. My teacher recently called me "Laughing lady !" When I see her sick, I try to make her laugh to ease hoping to ease some of her loneiness and sadness (for being sick). I think people see me always wearing a smiling face. Many a time I feel very sad, and yet I don't know why, when I meet them, I would smile. May be I was trying to enjoy the time, or may be I want to forget the unhappy event for a moment, or simply just want to hide my true feelings inside as I don't want people to worry about me. Only bb sees my unhappiness. She always hears me whining. :P

My teacher wanted to attend Sunday morning's mass. She said she wanted to do so and also she misses us. We agreed that the young lady mentioned above and I will go to pick her up at around 8am on Sunday morning and we'll go by taxi. We should be there by 9am and mass starts at 9:30am. My teacher is of old age and sometimes, I fear of the days available so I try to make time for her request. But that means sacrificing bbmm time and my own time. For example, we (my teacher, that young lady and I) chatted until late last night. By the time I got home, it's nearly 12 midnight.

This could otherwise be a bbmm evening (bb just got back from India).

Visited my teacher at Queen Mary hospital yesterday and today. Went with a Church friend yesterday and by myself today. Then I bumped into two other Church friends. My teacher has been telling us who and who has been. She said it so proudly and with a very nice smile on her face. I told you, she's well loved.

She'll be discharged from hospital tomorrow. Didn't manage to visit her on Tuesday as I had to wait for the stupid partner to come back and settle the draft letters which really only took him 5 minutes. And for that 5 minutes, I had to wait from around 6pm to after 9:30pm. Oh dear!

My teacher is well, generally cheerful, probably because she feels the love around her. I'm happy to see her all times. Like today, I worked hard to finish everything early and got lucky because I managed to catch that stupid partner before he went to attend a meeting at 5:45pm. I left by around 6:30pm, got to my teacher by around 7pm and stayed until around 8:45pm 9pm-ish. I could have stayed a little longer but well, guess the others and she too has to rest. Can't be so selfish lah. Putting self happiness onto others pain :P

My teacher said Father Russell went home today. Hope he'll be well soon. He's probably not going to attend the mass on Sunday. So, I may meet another Father.

My teacher wants to attend the Church on Sunday. She needs someone to go with her. I asked what time she leaves home. She said around 8am/8:15am. I said if her condition is ok, I'll try to take her. I said I'll give her a call on Saturday. Hope bb doesn't mind.

My stupid boss would be away next week. May be I could see if I can stay with bb during the week as consolation?

Now that all letter and article have been done. Should get back to my homework now. I have an idea what to write for the next one. The one after that would be marriage and the question for thought is "Marriage is based on true love. What is "true love"?" Oh lah lah!

Travelled on MTR with our conductor. Had a good chat with him. Quite enjoyed that. I was saying to the Church friend yesterday - It's kind of funny. I know the Church friends, but only say "hello," "bye" and "peace be with you." Ah yes, had dinner with this Church friend last night. bb, she's the one with the name beginning with the alphabet "y".

My parents are now in Bangkok. They bought a package. It's the first time they went on their own not joining a tour, except when they go to the "old village." I'm pretty worried. Guess what? mum sent me a sms after they arrived! Impressive, isn't it?!!

I'm tired and have a headache, but I'm happy and my heart is full of love. :)

What's bb doing now??

Met with a Bedford High girl for lunch today. Told her that I wanted to become a sister when I was young. I've been considering that for the last day or two since I read bb's post re God's plan for me. Two issues: I think my family needs me, and if I do, I wouldn't be surprised if I were a bit like Maria in The Sound of Music - troublemaker but then the sisters adore her because she's adorable - ha ha ha!!!

This Bedford High girl is going to Kenya this August. We have been already, haven't we, bb?

Finished the article that Father Lok asked me to prepare and sent it to him. It's about what it feels to be a Catholic-to-be. It's a little too long. I read somewhere that it should be around 400 words, but I think I must have written over 1200! I tried cutting it down, I really did and my secretary (who did the typing for me) wanted to kill me, I'm sure! In the end, I asked Father Lok's help in my covering email - talking about passing the buck! :P

I'm a bit of a fan of Father Lok now. He's really very nice and gentle and smooth. I've completed about half of the homework that he asked me to do now, prepared "a letter" of why I want to be baptised, plus this article that may be published in the local Catholic newspaper. He's been saying my works are good - yeah! No adverse comments from him so far - touch wood. And he's always so encouraging. It's great to read his posts, although they are short, but you still feel his love and warmth, and that he cares.

My teacher and Father Russell are both unwell. Father Russell speaks at Sunday services that I attend. My teacher has a badly swollen knee. She was in a lot of pain the evening before and couldn't sleep. I went to see her after work last night and her right knee was twice the size of her left knee. Oh dear! One of the members at Sunday church took her to see doctor today. The latest I heard is that she has been admitted to St. Mary's Hospital for closer observation. Seems that her bones are getting old and some tissues were infected.

My teacher told me about Father Russell when I visited her last night. He collapsed during a mass last Sunday (5th) and was rushed to the hospital. I was shocked. Lucky the church was next to the hospital (St. Paul's) so they didn't need to wait for the ambulance. I was told that he has a heart problem and had an operation a few years ago. He too is close to 80 years old - wow! I paid a visit to him at the hospital during lunch today. It was great to chat to him in an informal environment. I hardly had a chance to speak to him. I only see him during Sunday services and he usually has to rush to St. Paul's for the mass at 11:15am. I succeeded in putting a smile on his face and on a few occasions, made him laugh! hee hee.

I only hope that they both get well soon.

I posted a note about my teacher and Father Russell at CC Forum. I guess since then, the member who took my teacher to see the doctor today must have been bombarded with calls from people like myself. Oops. I should be more considerate and exercise a bit more discretion next time. But then I thought if I were the others, I'd like to know too as my teacher is well loved. My post only asked them to remember her and Father Russell in their prayers and perhaps to give them a call when they have a moment. I just thought human are at their weakest when they are unwell, and particularly for those who have given up their lives and families to God.

I love Father Russell too. I didn't quite realise it until I was shocked to hear the news about him yesterday. Guess it's an example of how careless, slow and stupid I am, not realising or recognising those I love. I guess I'm just blind.

Completed my first ceremony to become a Catholic this evening. There are 3 formal ceremonies together, including baptism itself, and my Godfather has to attend each of them for me. I'm really happy and feel privileged that my beloved Uncle Clement is my Godfather. He was baptised just over half a centary ago and he was saying that his baptism certificate itself is an antique! :D

The ceremony was subsumed into a mass. It took a bit longer than a mass, around one and a half hour. There are over 140 to be baptised this year. This evening, each of us has to hand in a letter to Father describing how we get to know God and why we wish to be baptised. The purpose of today's ceremony is that we would be formally admitted to be persons to be baptised this year.

My parents attended the ceremony too. Dad came back especially for that. How nice of him. Mum gave up her mahjong this evening, so it's very nice of her too.

Godfather has to re-schedule some of his appointments to make way for the 3 ceremonies. Bless him!

I said to bb today: when I knew there were 3 ceremonies plus homework, plus retreat and so on, I did think why so troublesome. Then I thought, it's a test of our sincerity to follow God. Also, at each stage, there's always the chance of reflecting and asking ourselves as to whether it's something we want to do. I also think it paves the way for me to be a Godmother for someone else in future. I'm benefiting from others' generosity now. I'll extend the same generosity towards others if I'm asked and when I'm fit to be a Godmother. :)

Father Lok is happy with the homeworks I did so far. He has asked me to write an article about how I feel to be baptised. As I said to bb, I deliberately left something out of my letter to Father that I handed in this evening, saving them for the article. It's not so much of writing or need to find time to write it, it's the content that I'm scratching my head. I saved something to write about, but I need to think about how to write it. Just checked my work email. Father Lok has already written back and re the 5 homeworks I sent him at lunch today. So efficient - wow! Then he chased me for the draft article. God help me!

Just like other mass, Catholics could receive Holy Communion. My Godfather didn't. He said he hasn't done confession. I said, "wow, such good guy!" That's one reason why I like him so much. He's so proper. :)

We then took a taxi and went to a restaurant close to where my parents live and have dinner together. It went well. Only that sometimes Dad asked a few too obvious/commercial questions - eg where did Uncle find his clients and so on. Slightly embarrassing, but I know he meant well. I suppose it's even more embarassing for him, but he did it for me.

Went shopping/walked around with bb in the afternoon. She bought some snacks for her colleagues in India where she's going tomorrow for a week. Showed bb my letter to Father before the ceremony. She said it's good; it flowed well. I'm happy :)

bb asked me to write it here. I'll start tomorrow. A bit tired now. Still recovering from my cold and early rise tomorrow for Church. So I'll go to bed early, after the laundry is done.

Watch this space.

It's been some time since bb write any post. I don't see her often these day, mainly it's because I'm busy with the duties/activities in Church. It's my fault not spending enough time with her. I wonder what's on her mind, what has she been doing, is she happy?

I had a busy weekend. Met with an old A-level schoolmate for dinner on Friday, went to work on Sat morning, then went massage with bb, followed by din din. We had steamed fish, veg and a seafood (don't know what it's called). The fish was not as good as I expected. As always, it's the company that counts. :)

Today, went to the usual Sunday service after which my teacher told other members of the service team that I'm getting baptised this Easter. Chatted a little while with the conductor and a few other members. One of them was going to be a Godmother for her friend, but at another church. I moaned and joked about having quite a lot of homework to do, and asked if anyone would be interested in doing it for me. I was naughty. hee hee. My teacher was serious. She said if I have any difficulty in those homework, we can always discuss them at our lessons. Oops. I didn't mean to worry her. It's true that I feel pressure with those work though.

The conductor lent me a CD which also has the version of Ave Maria we learnt last week. I listened to it plus other Chants Sacres. They are beautiful. I've downloaded all of them onto my library, then my ipod. I can listen to it while travelling. :)

Then Mum joined me to attend a talk at St. Teresa's Church. She was away but came back specifically to join me for that talk, to keep me company. How very nice of her! We were both tired. She dosed off soon after the talk started. I persisted for the first hour. Just when I thought there was a break, Father To continued with the talk. I really was fighting against my sleepyness for the last half hour or so. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I introduced Father Lok to mum.

My teacher asked other members to attend, if they can. As expected, the room was silent. What I didn't expect is that there was no congratulations from other people. It didn't cost them anything. Or may be they see it as nothing new. I understand that. I would only say that they take these matters for granted, sadly. I consider a gift of God. I still remember vividly that on my way to meet Father for the first time, I took the tube then a cab and in that cab, I prayed to God to welcome me to His family. My prayer has again been answered favourably. Lucky!

I notice that I'm becoming more and more human each day. I'm not as dedicated to my work as I was before. I want my time to count for something. May be I'm just not so interested in what I'm doing. Since I know I'll join the big Family this year, I've been thinking how much I want my sis to be there. Only if.

Met with an o-level schoolmate tonight, who just returned from US. It's the first time I met her son. So tall - wow. Time really flies. I haven't seen her for a good few years. She's now 5/6 months pregnant - another boy. :D

Called my teacher early in the morning to report on yesterday's interview with Father. She was happy for me and has kindly agreed to get the "distance learning" materials for me. I'm spoilt. :)

Had dim sum lunch with my parents and elder brother. He and his family has just returned from holiday in Europe. I was thrilled to see them, and was eager to spread the good news to them. Dad said I looked very happy. Yes, I was, and still am. :D

Dropped an email to the conductor to share the good news. Why him? Because my teacher has told him about it. If my skin is thick enough, I would have posted this good news on the service team's website and share the joy with others. I bumped into another member of service team. I was so happy that I hugged her and told her the good news.

Called sis (my ex-teacher) and told her the good news. She was very happy for me.

I also called my ex-secretary and shared the good news with her. She has agreed to be my Godmother if I couldn't get someone else.

bb of course couldn't escape the fate of listening to all my babbles. hee hee.

This is a very special Valentine's Day to me - that I would have the love of God. Something I believe will change me.

bb and I went out for dinner. We had a Japanese restaurant in mind but when we got there, it was packed and there was a queue waiting outside it. We went to a local tea house that serves portugese food. Food was nice. I enjoyed it. It's not expensive, but it's not the cost that counts. It's the company that matters.

Because it's Valentine's Day, even sf called me. We wished each other a Happy Valentine's Day.

I feel very special and privileged today. Feel so much love around me. I'm a lucky girl. :)

Because my brain was stuffed with so much love, I couldn't concentrate and didn't do any work today. Oops. Will try to get in earlier tomorrow to deal with them. The idiot boss bought each of us a box of heart-shaped chocolate from Cova and a small card, wishing us a Happy Valentine's Day. What's wrong with him??!

Feel a little guilty. It's the weekend before Valentine and yet, I didn't spend much time with bb today. Attended regular Sunday service, had lunch with the church's service team, then attended "Sharing" and had choir practice. By the time I finished, it's already close to 5pm. I'd like to meet with bb, but it'd be unfair to her - just coming out for a short while for dinner, as we both have to go to work tomorrow. I wish there's more time and we can spend more time together. I suppose we could do so when we retire. But sometimes I think if we spend too long together, we may end up fighting. So confusing.

Although I did some homework before attending today's Sharing, I still learnt a lot by listening to other people's thoughts of this morning's bible reading. I didn't say anything. Only shared some of my thoughts whilst walking my teacher home. She lives very near me.

Learnt a new song today - Ave Maria (4th one down the list of the link "Classical Avelsia". There was Latin and English version. The choir opted for English except me. My teacher opted for Latin so we learnt it in Latin. So, I get what I want. hee hee. I always like hymns in Latin, although I don't necessarily understand them, but the sound is usually more solemn and grand. The hymn obviously praises Mary. The music is gentle and loving, which is reflective of Mary. The music is beautiful. Imagine that hymn being sung in a church or cathedral. It's difficult to learn and to sing well. There are so many high notes and the rhythm is pretty tricky. When our conducting saw I was bringing back my looseleaf hymn book, he asked why. I said I need to re-arrange some of them and wanted to do some practice. He said I was picking them up quite well. I spent half an hour in the music room in this building tonight, just to have a quick run through the songs I learnt today, in particular, Ave Maria. :D

I found the above link when I was trying to download songs onto my ipod. I was going to post it in the service team forum, but didn't in the end. I didn't want them to think I've nothing to do, and cling on them. It's just I'm a warm person. I didn't want them to get the wrong idea.

We (my teacher, our conductor, another church-goer and I) took the tube together. My teacher told them about me, that I'll be meeting with Father soon. I'll be calling Father tomorrow to arrange for a meeting. Must concentrate and speed up on my revision. What if Father say I'm not up to it. My standard is so low??! Ai ya! Don't want to lose face - my face and my teacher's!

The pressure is surely there and is building up.

The answer is surfing and chatting, on the phone and with my ex-temp secretary. Yes, she's back for one day, working for a newly joined colleague. She's very nice. Honestly, I like her better than my own secretary. She works harder and is more motivated than my secretary. My secretary is smarter than the temp secretary. She knows better when to do things, what to do and how. Talking about doing the right things, at the right place, at the right time.

I did some work. Not much though. I was bored out of my mind. Not interested at the kind of work I do now. I'm just getting on with things. Not as motivated as I was before. The work just doesn't interest me anymore. A colleague next door said he wanted to move to another firm, and named a few. I already know those firms are recruiting, but I'm too senior (or senile) for them. I wish I could move on and soon.

I haven't prayed for that. I must trust the plan God put in place for me. Sometimes when I think about it, this experience has made me seen things that I didn't see before. One important thing is how I'm loved by those around me. Now on my way to work everyday, I would look up the sky, humming my favourite hymns, and grateful to all the gifts God has given me. I count myself lucky. If everything were going too well in the office, I would miss those things and take them for granted, a bit like what I was before. Sometimes I blame myself for that. That had wasted a lot of my time and have very much suppressed the human side of me such that I didn't spend as much time with my sis as I would like to. I have learnt to stop/ slow down a little and treasure all the gifts I have been given, and to spend time with my loved ones.

The link is bb's post was really cool. But I had to try and try many times before I see what I'm suppose to see! In the middle of it, I called bb and had a great laugh at myself for having a very different and weird mind! :D

Told sf today that once I am baptised, I'd be making affidavits, not affirmations. He went "Big Time!" :D

Took a sick leave today. No, I'm not ill. Just felt very drained and needed a day's rest. I struggled hard whether I should take leave or not. The physical side of me was enthusiastic as I really some rest. That would help my emotions too. But the other side of me thought it's wrong, and that I'll be lying, which is forbidden by God. Eventually, I gave in and left messages with the office saying I won't be there today. I said to myself that I'll use today to seriously read and learn more about Christianity and God's word.

The result is yes, I did some of that. And reflected upon those words. What I wanted to do but didn't do was to do some revision before my baptism.

I looked up websites of the Churches and read a bit more about them. I learnt that the Church near where I live offers masses at 7:15am on weekdays. I wanted to go, to strengthen my faith and my confidence to be a good Christian, but even now, the flesh is weak. I'm already doubting if I'd get up at that time, and if I go to the office after that, I'll be early and what do I do then, and so on. Many excuses.

I promise myself this: I'll go on the day after. I'll start some revision now before going to bed. I'm free tomorrow lunch and I'll go to CC chapel. I'll also see if I can fit in a yoga class tomorrow after work. That's my plan.

I've been asking myself the same question: Why do I go to Church now?

Of course, I am just responding to His command. That is a privilege. I have been asking myself if I do so as a copycat, copying what my sis did. She was a Catholic, so I want to be one too.

I formally started going to doctrine lessons after she has gone. I didn't want that copycat reason to be true because it would shake the flimsy foundation of faith I have, and the heat will wear off very quickly.

It has just occurred to me that I am answering to God. I mean it's something I've always wanted to do - to be one of His child - but somehow since I left convent school at about 16/17, I have put him behind me. From time to time, I was invited to go to religious groups but none of them is Catholic. They are usually Church of England, which is different.

I have recently read Five People You Meet in Heaven. I think one reason of my sister has moved on, or should I say the effect of that, is the other side of me has been awakened, or reminded, of. When my sis was seriously ill, I prayed to God on her bedside that she may be gone to Her Father in Heaven soon when her suffering will end and she will enjoy eternal peace and happiness. Of course, I also asked that she be well again, but the realistic side of me felt that may not be possible, no matter how many lies I tell to comfort myself and my family. I also asked Him to let the sufferings be on me, and not on her. I would say the usual prayers - Our Father, Hail Mary, Glory be to the Father - and usually ended my prayers by saying what Jesus said to Our Father when he was praying in the garden before he was taken away and later, crucified - please take that cup of suffering from me, but let it be God's will and not mine.

My sis has moved on. I hope she's now with Our Father, enjoying eternal peace and happiness. I had also asked for His Love on members of my family, in particular, my parents. I consider the pain of your child's departure is great and I still ask God to keep an eye on them, to comfort them. As time goes by, in a way, they seem to accept my sis's departure better than me.

I have always felt that my prayers have been answered. It is my turn to repay Him, to repay His love to me - that he answered my prayers notwithstanding I was, and still am, a pagan.

Now I shall be baptised soon, this Easter or later this year. I take this very seriously. I am thrilled but on the other hand, I'm not confident that I'll ever be as good a Christian He wants me to be, but I'll try. I'll try hard. I don't know what I can contribute to the Church. I hope and pray that when He shows me what He wants me to do, I will hear and answer with all my heart and willingly accepts them. I hope I have the intelligence and diligence for them.

Deep inside, I very much hope my sis could share the joy of that important day and event with me when it comes, that she could be there and witness to all there is to happen. That, I think, would be too much to ask.

It has also occurred to me today that after I have been baptised, I'll be making affidavits, not affirmations anymore.

Couldn't sleep last night. Don't know why. I was pretty tired, having been in office over the weekend, attending the different functions and going to bed late. Yet, it was gone 2am and I couldn't sleep at all. Something was on my mind. The question is What? I don't know.

2 things happened today. One relating to work, so that's not worth noting. The other is personal. My teacher had mentioned to me before but at thoday's letter with her, she mentioned again that I should go to see Father at St. Teresa's Church on the first if not second week of March this year re baptism. I was thrilled and excited. Not so much then. As the day went on, it started to sink in when I got very thrilled and excited. It didn't sink in until then. Till then, I feel that that's for real.

I was so overjoyed that I told my secretary. She's a Christian too, although not Catholic. I tried to explain how I felt to her. I said I felt like a bride-to-be, after accepted the proposal and started planning for the big day. I said to me, being a Catholic would probably the most important step and committment in my life. It's bigger than marriage. You can get divorced after you got married, but once you are baptised, you are Catholic forever.

Came with the thrill and excitement was the pressure. I have to get revision done, so that when I meet Father, I would do well and My teacher would not lose face. :P I was bursting with joy and excitement. I had to tell others. I was very tempted to call bb, but believe she's busy. She will probably say I was too emotional. I called mum. I told her about it, and asked if that means I might be baptised in Easter. I told her I felt like a bride-to-be and that I was very excited. She said she was too. She said she could not sleep the few days before. I then told her I have already started my sleeplessness. I couldn't go to sleep last night, kept turning and tossing until late!

Got up early and attended Sunday church. When my teacher asked me to go, I thought it'd be rather difficult as it means getting up early - the service starts at 9:30am and I need to be there by 9am for choir practice.

I started around Nov 2005. It's been a few months. It's not so painful. It's pretty addictive. It's becoming like a habit. I feel like I'm a parasite growing and feeding on it. I feel more relaxed, confident, calmer and happier when I'm there and afterwards. The effect wears off as the days go by and I try to hang on to it by singing hymns I like. Sometimes, I'd look forward to Sunday so that I can take my dose. I find it a very good cure for the unhappyness I experience, mainly in the office. I hope I have the faith and privilege to continue needing this cure and be able to feed on it.

Next Sunday, we'll have bible sharing after Sunday service plus choir practice. On the one hand, I look forward to it (I've attended the one held in January 2006 and enjoyed it). On the other hand, I feel guilty for not spending the time with bb.

After service today, went back to office and worked a bit more. Discussed what needs to be done with colleague and trainee. Left around 3:30pm for massage. I had foot massage while bb had body massage. She had back complaint. Hope she's feeling better now.

We were going to have hot pot, at a restaurant where my parents live. bb agreed to ask my parents to join so I called mum. Mum made a call to the restaurant trying to make a reservation but was told that the food was not fresh. Dinner would be ok. When we were there, we agreed that the restaurant lied. It wanted to make more money and therefore told us that the hot pot stuff were no good. You see, hot pot was asking for a fixed price and eat-all-you-can, whereas dinner is a la carte. Wicked. bb really wanted to have hot pot. I promised to take her somewhere we had been before and we both enjoyed. :)