Recently in esoteric meditations Category

in about me , esoteric meditations |

pt075beachbb

It’s almost one year since I left London. I haven’t done a whole lot in a year, mostly sit around at home feeling sorry for myself. Not because I have nothing to do, but…I can’t quite put a finger on why I’ve been out of sorts.

It’s not financial. I’m still living comfortably on savings and if need be, my financial adviser and I have a plan to generate regular income. Financial worries are the biggest source of stress for a lot of people, and I’m blessed that I’ve not had that worry.

Definitely not because I’m not working. I’ve never liked going to work. I think most people don’t like it, so I’m no different in that respect. I have been lucky in work, that I’ve had significant achievements and assignments all over the world. I’ve been sort of looking, and there are a couple of opportunities that are gradually warming up. Not sure if I really want to go back to work though.

It’s not family. I get to spend time with them, and it’s the highlight of my day/week/month. I stay over at my parents’ and I don’t want to leave. I live a short bus ride from my sis and i find excuses to go over there all the time.

It’s a little bit relationship, but the relationship with mm has always been odd since we’ve had to deal with our circumstances and the choices we made. We are not the same two people 21 years ago, although I wish we could go back to that closeness. I have to remind myself that I was the one who went globetrotting, and she never had to wait. So I’m grateful that even though she has a lot on her plate she finds time to spend with me.

What mm did, when we talked last night, was accurately came up with why I’m so negative and uncertain recently:

you moved physically, but you didn’t moved mentally

Which hit the nail right on the head. I miss London. I miss Chicago too. I reference moving last September as leaving London and not moving to here. I can barely acknowledge where I am. Whenever I think about here, it’s all negative thoughts: I hate this place; the pollution, the weather, the overcrowding, the awful people. I can’t stand the sight of disgusting mainland tourists, let alone having to listen to them or come near them. I don’t watch local tv or follow local news. I don’t like my flat, it doesn’t feel like home even though I have my furniture with me and I’ve always said home is where my furniture is. I don’t feel comfortable living in the only property I own—perhaps that’s the reason, that I feel like I don’t have a choice but live here.

I can’t sleep. I haven’t been running. I haven’t been cooking at home. The solution, according to mm, is a mindset shift from reluctantly tolerating to accepting. It sounds simple, but I cannot find one good thing about HK that I want to accept. What to do, what to do.

in esoteric meditations , photography is life |

airshow1094angels

The day after twelfth night is Epiphany. Do I have any profound thoughts? Nope. None at all. Aside from about 40mins out running hill repeats, I stayed home all day. I sorted some more pictures, that’s it. Reminds me, this is one of my all time favourites, and it wasn’t photoshopped or anything. I took this at the Chicago air and water show 2010; in the background are the Blue Angels doing spectacular air acrobatics, in the foreground is a seagull. One of those perfect moments. Seems appropriate for a day like today.

in about me , esoteric meditations |



It occured to me last night that right now, I’m essentially jobless and homeless. True, all I have on me is what was in the luggage — mba, kindle, 2 iphones, passport, money, certificates, clothes and shoes. But the situation only sounds dire because it’s a snapshot of my current state while I wait for my shipment to arrive, and get some rest before I start making contacts. Therefore the snapshot is only valid as a statement of fact as opposed to an indication of wider circumstances. In other words, context.

I’m an impatient person, but some things I can wait. If I’d sat through the marshmallow test as a kid, I probably would have been able to wait — the reward for waiting is so much greater. Well, I hope anyway, because apparently those kids grow up to be smarter and thinner. It’s called delayed gratification, which upon reading seems to be another name for listening to your head vs your instinct. The other factor is that the reward is so bluntly stated. Wait x minutes and you get two marshmallows. What would have been even more of an incentive is if the child waited another x minutes, the number of marshmallows will double again. That becomes a no-brainer. Some things in life are obvious, I learned from a young age that when given 3 wishes, the third wish is always 3 more wishes. I also operate better with a goal. Witness how my running has gone pearshaped because I don’t have a goal race. Effort, temptation and reward are all intertwined.

Some comments in the article give an interesting perspective that I never thought about. That the delayed gratification outcome will only work if the kid trusts or knows that the adult will bring back a second marshmallow after the prescribed waiting time. Interesting for me, because I’d never doubt it, as a 4 year old and now as an adult. Is it a class thing? An education thing? A glass half-full thing? Going back to the jobless-homeless analogy, there is never any doubt in my mind that if I wanted to, I can find a job. What does that say about me, that I’m a fool or I have too much self-confidence. The homeless angle is irrelevant, my apartment is long paid for and requires very little financial maintenance.

That said, the main reason I’m being so laid back and not doing much is more likely to be laziness anyway. Delayed gratification may be another name for “I can’t be bothered.” Hee.

in esoteric meditations , photography is life |

chi182flowers
taken almost 5 years ago, the first time I visited Chicago

Spring is here, but I’m not sure what I’m feeling right now. All I know is that tomorrow I probably won’t need to wear my coat.

in esoteric meditations |

nyc130kitty

I kind of want to find something to post but I’m fresh out of ideas. Too much tv, running, race planning. I’m not eating right, even though I’m eating more carbs than usual, I should be eating more. Ugh, I can’t take too much bread or pizza or pasta, makes me feel bloated.

Forecast is warm on Sunday, up to 25°C. That’s worth freaking out about. Then again my colleague reminded me that I’d been training all summer in much much hotter conditions, so I should be used to it.

So here’s a completely random picture of hello kitty. This was in NYC.


in esoteric meditations |

This came up yesterday. If i get a job that is mostly working from home, where should i live?

My standard answer has always been Zurich. But if it’s US only? Hunch tells me: NYC, SF, Boston, Seattle — the usual suspects. I really don’t have a clue.


in esoteric meditations |

So.

I’ve caught up on posting.

I’ve sorted, named, photoshopped, iphoto’ed, tagged and uploaded 350 photos from last week. I woke up this morning with 99 notifications on fb — nice people liking and commenting on my stuff, i feel so flattered.

I caught up on emails at work, and have begun working on my next project.

I talked to mm twice this week, making suggestions on which mobile phone she should get. It was so damned great to hear her voice, and yes I miss her a lot.

I have this weekend planned — errands, race pickup, sidewalk sale, CB2 and, if I have time, marketdays.

I even have next weekend planned - one or more days at lollapalooza.

I have sufficient food. I’m beginning to think about cooking for the freezer and making beet eggs again.

I’m looking forward to establishing a new running and weights routine.

I know I need to rekindle my writing mood.

It seems like my life is returning to its regular, orderly and boring routine.

So why is it that I’m feeling restless and out of sorts?

in esoteric meditations , in the news |

Just as well that I’m in the US. Like millions of people I caught Sarah Palin on SNL. I thought it might be funnier, I guess the “Tina Fey does kickass Sarah Palin” is getting old. Amy Poehler was great though.

I learned that people are already able to do early voting. Hopefully most people have made up their minds on who they’d vote for. I’m not American, but if I could vote — yes, I know who I’d vote for. I’m finding that there is a lot of intense, powerful opinion for or against either Obama or McCain, much more emotional than I’d ever experienced with a general election. I was staying with my friend’s family over the weekend and they are extremely staunch supporter of one of the candidates. Everyone is entitled to their beliefs and feelings, and I respect it very much. Which is why I listened intently and with a lot of interest, it’s not my place to agree or disagree; and I’m not as well informed to be able to have a meaningful discussion.

in esoteric meditations |

This is very private but I need to write it down. Really appreciate if no one reads this.

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we've been "back together" for just over a year now, so strange that a story that started over 12 years ago still has its twists and turns. I'm less obsessed about dates and times nowadays, and after so many ups and downs I don't remember the exact date we decided to be together again. All I remember is being in bed and us kissing and then finally there's the sex.

Sex. That's the thing. There are certain things one expects when one's in a relationship. Companionship, friendship, hand-holding, snuggling, talking on the phone, generally being together. And sex. Of course it should not be the only thing in a relationship, but shouldn't it at least be a part? No matter how small a part, but at least there, preferably more (hee).

For us, it's not been well on that front. For a start there's a huge discrepancy on our respective wants and needs that's gotten more and more pronounced. She says I'm the normal one and it's her. When I get turned down (which does happen quite often) that does cross my mind. But it can't be, this is something that takes place between 2 people so there can't be only one party at fault if something's not going well.

Yes, she's not had the desire and she needs to really build hers up. And yes, I've been overly insatiable, may be too much fanfic. It's just that we don't live together and only get to spend two, sometimes only one, night together every week. Plus all of my travelling this year ... excuses excuses. So all my saved up want manifests every weekend and it seems to her like that's all I want. Sigh.

Anyway.

We made an appointment this weekend. Not in so many words but nakedness was expected. Really. How crass. But we did. For Saturday night. And I blew it. I was so tired both friday and sat night that I fell asleep as soon as I got into bed. It's funny if you think about it.

But we made up for it today after lunch. We were way too lazy to go out. I was doing my online grocery shopping, the site kept crashing, so I was real frustrated. She was watching TV.

She said "come get me when you're finished."

I finally did, went outside to the living room, held out my hand and took her into the bedroom.

We didn't start straightaway, there was mucho nice-o cuddling.

But when it came, or should I say when we came, it was an explosion. Or more accurately, 2 separate explosions. I couldn't stop laughing, she shuddered.

Now I feel whole.

Full.

in esoteric meditations |

The exhibition at Fox Studios was the Health, sexuality & lifestyle show, or sexpo for short. Selling point, “Lighten up, sex is fun” and “Size does matter”.

The stalls ranged from the more innocent jewelry, food, T-shirts, aromatherapy products, cosmetics and spa pools. Increasing in nature to adult parties, massage, websites, lingerie, temporary tattoo.

The meaty stuff like vibrators, pumps, toys, raunchy models, books, videos. New products like glass dildos, intricate designs, looked hand blown. The most interesting, but I didn't get close enough to look, was a pussy shaver. O-kay.

The most hardcore was of course the fetish stalls. In a way they were quite crowded, I guess most people won't want to go into a fetish store ordinarily and wanted to take the opportunity. Very interesting, masks, leather clothing, whips, belts, cuffs. Even a swing. May be I've been reading too much mistress & kitten smut recently but they were pretty familiar. Yikes. I was even tempted to buy a riding crop, discounted to AUD15. But no, we're not ready.

I did buy a show bag from one of the stalls, a mish-mash of goodies. Playboy poster, naked model playing cards, rude cap, swearing dartboard, handcuffs, vibrator, dvd, hustler magazine. $20. To be honest, a bit lame, but I was bowled over by the fun factor. And the thought that I bought something.

Most of what was available and on show were really quite tame. No naughty bits. Nothing hardcore. Even the fetish stall was a bit matter-of-fact. But the general atmosphere was that of normality with just a bit of fun, which was good. Why place such a taboo on the whole subject of sex? Most people are either doing it, or wish they were. Why the stigma? Why be all avoidy? Yeah, what am I saying, I have such a big hangup over it, i can't talk about it with anyone.

So what were my motives for going? Simply, it was there. I'm in the city. I can go alone and not tell anyone or fear bumping into anybody. Complete anonymity. Perfect. Admit it, where else would I ever get another chance?

At the back of my mind I was looking for something that might help with our current situation. Something. Anything. But I didn't find anything. Well, there were a lot of toys and ideas, but I don't think a piece of equipment is going to balance out the differences in our respective desire level, it's more serious than that and I still can't figure out how we're gonna come out of this.

Lack of intimacy is one of the reasons people break up. I'm not going down that route. I think we both have issues that we have to bring out to the open. But neither of us are ready for that yet.

in esoteric meditations |

Now I've given myself a little corner for my most deepest and most private thoughts.

I.am.not.who.I.appear.to.be.

Where to start.