The eating continues. I’ve been over my calorie goal, and no exercising, for more than 2 weeks. But, I’m on holiday, right?

Went with parents to the café marco for lunch buffet. Seniors get a discount so there were quite a few there taking advantage. It was well worth even the full price. Everything was so well done — salad, seafood, sashimi, 3 hot dish stations, extensive desserts, chocolate fountain, movenpick ice cream. Amazing.

After all the gorging, Mum and I spent our energy hunting for a wii. Went to the golden arcade, but the ones on offer there were too “fixed” — she couldn’t use regular disks, had to download into a flashdrive — I didn’t know where to do that. So we went back to 188 and got the proper version for a higher price. I got a couple of games myself too — lego star wars and sports resort.

Dinner with sis and my niece at tokio joe. I was stuffed from lunch but couldn’t pass up more fresh delicious japanese food.

Went up to Sis’ place for lunch. She had an errand to run up to the Peak so I went with her — wow it’s so touristy. My niece wanted to play lego star wars with me, she’s soooo good. Kept telling me to “relax” and “I’ll take care of it”. I think I’ll need to buy that game too.



For dinner, went with parents all the way to the other side of town, to tai po, for clay pot rice. It’s just a small chachantang, but the variety was impressive and the food was good.

Sometimes it’s good to stay home. Mum and I went to a noodle place famous for its pork liver noodles. And that’s what they sold almost exclusively. I worked out that the profit margins are huge, no wonder there’s like 3 branches on the same stretch of the street. We went to the electronics street and got small stuff like manually charging torches, it’s cute.

We were travelling with our bags today. Lunch at the Dragon’s restaurant where we had dim sum on the first day. There were a lot of people, so mm got us a private room — had to order a la carte, and a bit more expensive. Still good value.

More snack shopping — biscuits, sponge cake and all sorts. Bus was on time and today it was more a hassle, had to get off and on the bus twice for customs cos they weren’t in the same building.

Quick dinner of hainanese chicken rice and I was glad to be home.

I can’t remember the last time I was in the mainland. Shanghai may be? That was over 6 years ago. Sounds just about right.

Basically, mm bought a flat and spent a lot of effort decorating it. So we went there, and my parents came along too. It was pretty straightforward to go — a 45min coach journey to the border, get our bags, go through 2 sets of immigration, get back on the coach for the remainder 2-3hr trip. Her place is nice, in her style.

We had a dim sum lunch, then visited the Qing Hui gardens right in the city centre. It’s not very big, surrounded by buildings and streets but once inside, there’s surprisingly a lot hidden. Turn a corner and there’s something new, another pond, another doorway leading to another exhibit. Pics: whole set

Dinner was the most scrumptious lamb hot pot ever. We had lamb, blood, skin, and all sorts of interesting parts, all in a hot pot. Plus rice cooked in coconut that was perfect. I didn’t charge my S90, so no pictures. Sigh.

Went to the supermarket nearby, got some snacks and sweets and milk and stuff. Got parents home, then we went for massage. It was late when we finished, and cold outside, after a quick (and not hot enough) shower there wasn’t much to do except crawl into bed.

Lunch with mm’s family at the usual restaurant, with the usual food. Always so predictable. I didn’t have a lot of time last week to shop for the kids (I knew about the lunch late) so I made do with Jewel chicago shopping bags. heehee.

Met up with Mum to go shopping for one of the main items on my shopping list, the drool-worthy canon s90. It’s not that much cheaper, I bought it anyway. I’m bummed that the mbp doesn’t have connectivity, so I wasn’t in a hurry to try it out by going crazy with taking pictures. First impressions:

• sharp looking, fast shutter, clear screen
• familiar P, TV, AV settings
• low light, f2
• good zoom
• lots more function than the common point-and-shoot
• I keep missing the zoom, hitting the notch underneath the wheel instead
• didn’t come with a case

Flight arrived early at 6.45am, I was one of the first off and was out through Immigration quicker than the bags. My duffel came out first (as in the first off the belt) but the suitcase only came with the non-priority bags, brrrr. Got on the train, called home, off the train straight to the taxi and I was home by something like 7.30am. It’s cold. No heating. Took a while to unpack all the food I’d brought back. Showered and got online. Very frustrated that I can’t seem to connect my mbp to the modem, Mum doesn’t have wifi. So now I’m stuck with the 2004 PC that runs like a run/walk marathoner at mile 22. Sigh.

The good thing was, I had steamed fish for lunch and everything my parents cooked was great. It is nice to see them.

Went out in the afternoon to meet up with mm. It is valentine’s day after all. She was tired and asleep. What else could I do but join her? I was jetlagged too. Eventually we pulled ourselves up, cos otherwise we’d sleep through the night. She took me to a conveyor belt sushi place that was very yummy. The plan was to walk around but my energy level was fading so I called it a day.

I talked to Mum for about an hour last night, nothing much, just telling her about the snow, ice, work. And the veggie bread pudding and pork soup I made. It’s good to talk.

mm was out with her family, so we didn’t get much of a chance to talk. She called me later after my midnight, but not for long cos she was on the street. She’ll be away the rest of the weekend so we’ll talk again during the work week. I talk to her more now, it’s good.

Christmas day was spent visiting at Car’s family. We went over to her aunt’s house yesterday for a big dinner, and again today after mass for another big dinner. Today’s menu was meatballs and lasagna. It’s a change for me, but very welcome. The food and company were good. I ended up playing a bit with the kids. And yes, I’m a whole lot older than them but in terms of mental age and size, not that much different. Heehee.

First product demo today, so I couldn’t stay home. Of all the weeks to be sick, this is the worst week ever. I dare not take the cough medicine cos of drowsiness, but the inhaler seems to be working a little.

We were invited to our vendor’s office at Sears Tower for the demo, only a 5 min walk. When we walked in, we were greeted by a room full of suits! Scary. The demo was as expected, that’s what you get from the industry leader.

Bought a flower basket and drove down to Gram’s wake. The minute I walked in I knew I’d be told off, cos I’d been told to stay home and rest. But in all honesty, most people would have made the effort. It was a horrid drive down in heavy traffic and even more horrid drive home in the torrential rain. But I made it.

It’s Car’s grandmother’s 95th birthday party today. And what a party for an amazing lady! There were many family and friends, and I’m no longer surprised that I know quite a few and get greeted as a family member. On the flipside I get treated as a family member meaning I’m not immune to the jokes and jibes, heehee. I’m honoured and privileged to be accepted as a “cousin”. I helped as much as I could with the food prep, though there were plenty of willing helping hands. Cold cuts, cheese, bread, Italian beef sandwich, sausage, potato salad, macaroni salad, cake, jelly, brownies, rice crispies treat and I made chocolate mousse. Sometimes when there were too many people and I felt overwhelmed I retreated into “my” bedroom to watch the food network / play on the netbook and nobody bothered me. It was a late night, I had a good time. Considering everything that’s happened recently, people were genuinely happy to be gathered together for a celebration.

I went to a wake tonight, for the uncle of my adopted Chicago family. It was a very well attended event with lots of family and friends — it’s obvious that he was well liked and respected. I learned that he was a retired police captain, which I had sort of known before but not all the details.

It was almost 9pm when we left, and we got something to eat. Then after dinner, we were winding down — Car went to check email, I was getting ready for a shower. Then I heard a desperate scream. And it all happened at once. I’ll leave Car to update first in her blog, but the long and short of it was — ER, family support, we got home at 3.30am.

I did flat stanley for my niece this week. flat stanley is inspired by the children’s book by Jeff Brown. Poor Stanley got squashed and became flat as pancake. Undeterred, Stanley takes advantage of his flat state to go on many adventures around the world and even to space.

Many schools initiate Flat Stanley Projects in which children make their own Flat Stanleys, and take him to activities with them for a few days. They record the activities in a journal. Then the fun part starts:

Flat Stanley and the journal are mailed to other people who are asked to treat the figure as a visiting guest and add to his journal, then return them both after a period of time.

So my niece’s flat doll, whom she named Flat Neena, has been making the journeys. She’s been to her grandparents in West Sussex, and our cousin in New York so far. And this week she was with me. I took her to Sears Tower, the Arts Institute, the Bean, downtown, and on a ride on the brown line. She’s now on her way back to my niece. It’s been really fun.

Full set: 17 (15 public) on flickr

Woke up at 3am-ish and took a melatonin, still woke up at 7am. When I’m this jetlagged I give up trying to sleep. Crawled out of bed, played on the computer, had some tea, and went running for 5 miles, just cos I was really really really cold.

Tired enough that by lunchtime I was fading, so I crawled back into bed and slept.

Till 4pm.

Dinner with my family at a nearby Japanese place, got some carrots for soup, then took the bus home.

I won’t have trouble sleeping.

The Presswallah, originally uploaded by Antarix.

mum came over to help me iron my mountain of clothes piled on top of the armchair. I think it’s been weeks and dozens of loads of laundry since the last time anything got ironed. Hee. Mum claims she likes ironing, which i actually believe, cos she irons a lot when we were young. She definitely takes much more care (and longer) than when i do it.

Looking around online brought me to this wonderful photo of a presswallah in India, who basically irons clothes for people. It’s a noble occupation, and so fascinating to me culturally. There’s also a youtube video of another presswallah.

mm’s parents invited me for dinner tonight, they’ve been including me in family gatherings lately, even though technically they don’t know they’re my in-laws. Interesting conundrum.

I didn’t want to go empty handed, and it being so close to Christmas. So I made chocolate chip cookies. I’m useless at picking out gifts for people and if I have time, I prefer to make food items. As the LA Times said in its article 50 ways to make your holiday gifts homemade,

Not only are homemade gifts less expensive, they also capture the spirit of holiday giving in a way that purchased gifts simply can’t.

These were real easy, I can’t remember where I got the recipe, but I’ve always had it on the old html version of my website. Cream 8oz butter with 4oz sugar, add 2 large (or 3 small) eggs, fold in 10oz SR flour and 12oz chocolate chips. Spoon onto a lined baking tray and bake for 15-20mins until golden. Makes 24 large cookies.

I wrapped them up in clingfilm and put them in pretty Christmas-y gift bags. Freshly made, I could still smell them when I gave them out at the restaurant, and my apartment now has that warm homely baking smell that will last till the morning.

My great-aunt and aunt are visiting — I hadn’t seen them in years and years. When Mum told me they are visiting, and that they plan to go to the cemetery, I made sure I booked my flight back from Chicago to ensure I’m home today.

My grandfather passed away in 1992 and my grandmother in 2002. I can still remember how I found out. I was in London in 1992, fresh out of college and newly with mm. We’d been at Margate on Sunday and I got the call early Monday morning from my dad. I felt guilty that while everyone was at the hospital I was out having fun at the beach, though being 8000 miles away and unaware of the situation there was nothing to be guilty about. I got a ticket that day and it was a long, lonely plane ride to the funeral.

I was home in 2002, fresh back from Zurich. My grandmother had had a stroke a couple of years prior and was being cared for by Mum and my uncle. Mum called on Saturday morning, I dressed quickly and was lucky that the first taxi I flagged down knew the way to the hospital, even directing me to where the entrance was when we got there.

I don’t consider it morbid to visit my grandparents and great-grandparents in the cemetery. I suppose it could be a scary place at night but in the light of day all I feel is respect and a sense of purpose. How can there possibly be malignant forces present at such an overwhelmingly Catholic place?

It’s my dad’s birthday today. :D We actually celebrated last saturday at the Spring Deer Restaurant. It’s one of those really old traditional restaurants that people return to cos they went there when they were young. Mum tried to book for today and they were full!!!

We started with shark’s fin soup. Very nice. Lots of shark’s fin, not like some places where there are only a few strands. Moved on to the famous Peking duck. It’s different from some Peking duck in that they include quite a lot of meat with the skin, just the way we like it. The duck meat is especially juicy too.

The rest of the duck meat they minced up and combined with diced vegetables. It’s served with iceberg lettuce, the idea is to wrap the minced in the lettuce leaves. This was followed by small steamed dumplings. For dessert we had deep fried “doughnuts” with red bean filling

It’s a family tradition, that we all go to the yacht club to enjoy mulled wine and minced pies, then watch the choir sing the christmas carols before sitting down for christmas eve buffet. This year sis invited her friends Win, Po and their son Josh. I had something like 4 glasses of mulled wine but only a few bites of the minced pies. Mum put probably 20 of them in a ziploc bag for home.

I do enjoy Christmas Carols very much. I don’t broadcast this all over the place but deep down I’m a fairly religious person and I like the meaning that carols bring. Ignoring how commercialised Christmas is, step back and think about the origins of the day, and listen to the words in the hymns. I’m not so keen on the overly jovial ones like Joy to the World or Jingle Bells. My favourites are Once in Royal David’s City and Silent Night sung very slowly. This year, I have O Holy Night on my mind pretty constantly the last couple of days. I mean, how can anyone not be moved by the chorus.

Fall on your knees, O hear the angel voices
O night divine, O night when Christ was born

There are literally dozens of versions available online. I’ve listened to pop stars and opera singers on youtube but this one is absolutely stunning! Michael Crawford with the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Don’t let this Christmas pass without listening to this at least once.

Went with mm to see her one week old niece today. As it happened her parents were also there at her brother’s house and it was a nice, albeit short, visit. The baby is very cute and well behaved — even though she was passed around all the adults as well as her almost 4 year old brother — to be coo’ed and held, she slept all the way through.

We took the minibus back to mm’s place and went to a nearby seafood restaurant. Where we promptly had an extremely big meal, hee hee. A whole box of food to doggie bag home.

During showertime (um, please. no one track mind. We were chatting and separated by the shower curtain) we talked about my niece and how not only will she not have any siblings, she won’t have any cousins either. I mean, the only chance she’ll have cousins would be if I had any children. And that is a big no. I don’t mind other people’s kids but I’m too set in my comfy life and routine to change. I don’t even know if I can get used to not living alone. If I were to have any kids, I said, it’ll have to be mm’s. And she has too much on her plate, between family, work, church — to have any sort of time for that.

Isn’t it strange, that when you were like 5 or 6 you tended to think of your future as the typical one, like your parents — marriage, children and all that. But how life doesn’t turn out that way. The only regret is there won’t be anyone genetically descended from me, but that’s not a big deal.

I’m in Japan this week for meetings. It’s been 2.5 years since I was here last. Lots of changes since then.

I brought Mum. She’s never visited and wanted to. I upgraded my room to a twin and got her an air ticket; this way she saves on hotel. I had some airmiles expiring next January, and it was just enough to get her airport lounge access. We had breakfast and I set up the mbp while she read a magazine. It was relaxing pre-flight; much better than fighting with the masses at the public food court. The flight was too full to upgrade her to business class, but I checked her in early and got her a front-of-plane window seat.

Uneventful but long bus ride on the bus to the TCAT station, then we took a taxi to our hotel — the Royal Park Shiodome Tower. Shiodome is a new developed area, full of modern office buildings, post restaurants. It used to be a derelict railway terminal and now it’s like Docklands.

Met Sis’ family for dinner. My colleague took us to an area with a bunch of restaurants. I had chirashi and we shared a mixed sushi. ¥12,000 (US$100) for 5 adults and 1 child — we’re talking about fresh fish here. That’s really good.

Tomorrow is a long day for me. I’m still enjoying NewJob but it’s been quite draining.

It’s Mum’s birthday today, it’s always either on or close to Mother’s Day so double celebration. We took her to a traditional (and noisy!) restaurant for dinner. Well, Papa paid. We ordered enough food for 8 people when it’s only the 4 of us and my niece. Lots to take home though. Good food.

Then we went back to Sis’ place for cake. She cleverly bought slices of a variety of cakes — 3 different cheesecakes, apple crumble cake, lemon cake — and arranged in a circle. Much better than just one choice of cake.

Parents came back and took my old Delsey suitcase. Hee, one fewer clutter item from the apartment, but I still need a bigger place.

I took my Sis to look at macbooks today, she wanted to get one for my 4 year old niece. I mean, yes, nowadays kids get computers early. My niece has been playing with computers since she was 1.5 years old, she used to sit on my lap or Mum’s lap, and use a paintbrush to point at the screen while we used the mouse to click on whatever she pointed at. Mainly she played on the Sesame Street or Barney websites.

Today she sat on my lap playing on an iMac. But that was all she needed me to be, a glorified high chair. She used the mouse like it was the most natural thing in the world, colouring small parts like individual flower petals and Barney’s toes perfectly well.

My brother in law was worried that if they got her a mac that she’d be confused with the 2 systems. I don’t think it’ll be a problem at all. Kids her age will grow up with computers and it’ll be instinctive for her.

I’m so glad I registered her domain name when she was only 2.

Since I’ll be traveling next week, my parents and sis took me for early birthday lunch today. It was at a Japanese restaurant about 20 mins walk from where I live. It’s a conveyor belt sushi place, more posh than some of the others, on Sunday brunch they do a AYCE buffet. I had mainly sashimi, didn’t want to stuff myself with rice though their sushi rice was of very high quality. Had some dumplings and tempura and cold soba too. Quite nice though I’d prefer more choices and definitely more hot food.

Sis and baby had a painting birthday party but Mum and I did some food shopping for dinner and went back to sis’ apartment. I played with her laptop all afternoon, doing the same stuff I’d be doing at home. I also downloaded firefox, an anti-virus and an anti-spyware program for her. Ran the virus check, it was fine; the spyware program unearthed the usual list of squatters.

They came back around 5.30pm and we had dinner at their place. After dinner we had the Haagen-Dazs ice cream cake that they bought me, very nice.

I haven’t been eating a lot recently and now I’m very full.

Lunar New Year today. Went to my parents’ for lunch — we had a mix of all sorts of our favourite foods, though nothing “cohesive” that would be considered a proper menu. I mean, we mixed steak with abalone and vegetable stew and carrot cake and the yu sheng salad from Singapore. Who cares, it’s only the three of us.

I spent most of the time before and after lunch fixing Mum’s PC. Sigh. Stupid PC. She had a ton of spyware that was crippling her IE. Hee, I half considered not fixing it so she could use firefox instead, but she plays some games off msn. I showed her how much faster and safer firefox is. Tidied up her start menu, got rid of redundant icons, general cleanup, downloaded a bunch of security software, that sort of stuff.

By the time I got back to mm’s it was almost 5pm. I stopped by the market and bought 4 giant tiger prawns — “big head prawns.” I made surf & turf for dinner - sirloin steak, prawns, potato cubes, mange tout beans and mini corn. A big plate each. Hee.

mm and I had dinner with her mum tonight, just the three of us. It was really nice. I loved being there, even though I tend not to say a lot when I’m in the company of her family. Her family is very different from mine, meals are boisterous affairs and they joke around and talk at the top of their voices. My family is the complete opposite, we rarely talk and tend to eat quickly. Hence the difference in our personalities: I’m already a lot better now, at least I talk and socialise a bit. It’s fun, whenever she sees me, especially on a friday when we haven’t seen each other for a week, it’s like a dam opens and she pours out everything she wants to tell me. It’s so sweet.

Today it’s her family’s turn. Heh. Lunch with her parents at their local restaurant. They have a new helper who was very quiet and didn’t eat a lot.

Then back to their place to pack and stuff. She taught her dad how to use a CD player. Her brother drove over to bring us to his place, and we played mahjong for the rest of the afternoon. Normally I don’t play, in fact the last time I played was so long ago I can’t remember — usually I’d team up with her and play a couple of rounds when she needs to help cook or something. This time I’m a team of one and I got a little bored and frustrated cos I can’t get out of the game.

Everyone else came and we had hotpot dinner, which her mom prepared already. Her mom is so great when it comes to cooking and all things food. I was very full.

Her dad welcomes me a lot, he’s so sweet. He always says things like how glad he is that I can join, cos it’s the whole family now. Have I taken sis’ place? or will I ever be accepted as being “with” her? shrug

Early start today, it was her sis’ birthday and we went to 7.15am mass as remembrance.

I left at 6.40am and caught the first bus out. The streets are so different at that time of day, much quieter and peaceful of course. But people already stirring. Trucks making deliveries, early shift people getting to work, older folks exercising in the park. The view and atmosphere was different, the people out and about were different too.

Can’t imagine having to be up that early everyday. I’m not a morning person though I’m waking up earlier nowadays, it’s the ageing.

The service was held in the loft of the church. I got there pretty early and the main hall was empty, I was surprised.

The theme today was how Mother Mary found out she was pregnant and she didn’t know what to do. And even when Jesus was suffering at the end, she visited him again and again and how painful that would have been. The Father told us that she was just living day by day, but she had no worries, cos God was in her heart. He gave an example of kids taking RE class, they can probably recite the Bible better than us, but do they know the meaning of those words and stories?

Do I consider myself a good Catholic? If I’m talking whether I go to mass, or pray and all the activites, I’m sorely lacking. But I do believe, even though I’m classified as a sinner. I took communion and I didn’t feel it was wrong, I was glad I did.

After the service I went to breakfast with her family. By the time I got on the minibus home it was 9am. The streets were very different from merely 7 hours before. Full of people getting to work, all faceless, all busy.

It’s father’s day today and I’m so glad that we as a family can go out for a meal, all 4 of us, plus my niece. We went to a French restaurant, the “usual” one in the dingy alleyway and where there is a secret knock to get in the door. Nice menu, I asked especially for the chocolate pudding dessert and my dad loved it. Mum was her usual “negative comments only” mood, but my niece made lots of cute drawings on the paper-covered table.

Mum asked her to go draw with her and she says “I’m too busy drawing me”. She’s 3 1/2.

Mum’s birthday today. We all went out for lunch on Saturday already, at a buffet sort of place. But Sis and I thought we’d take her out on her proper day.

I booked the French private restaurant I booked for the dept Christmas dinner. Our menu was:

• Small appetizers - asparagus & prawn sauté, ox tongue terrine, baked escargot tart, stuffed duck breast w/ peach, spinach nuts roll
• Salmon & dill tropical salad
• Crab Chowder w/ pumpkin
• Pan-fried Goose liver with red wine jus
• Choice of main course - Stuffed pork loin roulade w/ Balsamic mushrooms or Scallop & Fish roulade in light curry sauce
• Lemon Soufflé Cake
• Herbal tea or Coffee

I wasn’t feeling 100% as far as my stomach was concerned that day, so I was terribly full by the main course and could only manage a bite or two. I had the pork, Mum and Sis the fish. I totally forgot Sis doesn’t eat pork so she’s only limited to one choice. The fish was nicer I thought.

I brought a bottle of châteauneuf-du-Pape, originally I was going to take a Henckell Trocken, but somehow having champagne with a meal doesn’t appeal to me that much.

Baby was also there, she’d had dinner at home already and behaved very well in the restaurant, playing with crayons, toys or hide and seek around the tables. There were only our table and another party of 5 so enough room for her to run around.

This is a good restaurant, no corkage, no service charge, menu changes everyday. Of course being a “private” restaurant it’s hidden away and won’t entertain walk-in customers.

Had lunch with my family yesterday, supposedly cos today’s Mother’s Day and it’ll be crowded and so many people so we have it early. Had buffet lunch at a supposedly posh restaurant, food’s okay, not fantastic, a lot of the price is probably location and décor.

Then it gradually dawned on me that it’s not just Saturday, it’s Sunday as well, and there’s some expectations that we’re going out again. I don’t know what my problem is nowadays but I simply have no incentive to go out, my preference is to stay home, stay indoors, and not have any contact with humans (except one, of course).

I really shouldn’t feel this way, cos Mother’s Day comes only once and year and Mum puts a great deal of importance on events like these. But as soon as I knew it’s Sunday too, all I thought about was, have to get home stat. I want to go home, now! Didn’t even offer to go with Mum walking around the (crowded and boring) shops. We arranged to go walking today.

Now today, it rained cats and dogs. So it’s confusion and miscommunications and the normal no one wanting to take the lead, Mum ended up sulking, and the half-baked plans turned out to be for nought.

It’s a bit sad really. Though not surprising. Bottom line is, I don’t like going out, my Dad doesn’t like going out, my Sis just wants to go where it’s suitable for Baby and Baby’s schedule, and Mum was waiting for someone to plan her big day. It was never gonna work out.

We had lunch with my family today, and dinner with hers. A truly “meet the parents” kind of day. Of course she knows my folks well, and I’m almost part of her family. But … there’s always the but.

Lunch we went to the club at the small island by the beach. My niece had a great time and we ordered food for the bbq the club set up outside. It was really hot and I wasn’t prepared, had only a vegetable-like T-shirt on and must have looked like a vegetable. Food was good though.

Foot massage in the afternoon, then dinner with her family. Proper served meal and private room. Very nice food, good company. Needless to say, I’m extremely full. Her Mum gave me some herbal tea, cos I was breaking out in spots and she boiled it specially for me.

Just to show how different our respective families are. Mine is more serious, have a more simple view of the world. Hers is more worldly, knows about relationships and in general more noisy, but in an endearing kind of way.

Don’t think they’ll mix terribly well though.

Pictures for slide show.

Edited:
That was kind of an emergency placeholder for getting pictures to an outside party. I've taken the links out now.

I could have emailed, put in a yahoo album or made a plain webpage in Dreamweaver (actually I should have enough knowledge to handcode that). But this was the quickest. All the power to MT then ...

Visited the graveside of my grandparents and 2 great-grandmothers. My sis brought her daughter so we were telling her that she was visiting her great-great-grandmother.

I feel privileged to have the oppurtunity to pay my respects to them. The cemetary is getting bigger and the last few times we've visited, they play soothing music / hymns over the loudspeaker. It's got a nice atmosphere.

I "gave permission" mm to spend the day with her friends, so we didn't see each other. I'd like to think we don't have the sort of relationship where one needs permission from the other to spend time outside the relationship. We both want us to have an open relationship and we have our own free time.

I'm glad she has other friends and keeps in touch with them. Imagine having to be with me 24/7, enough to make her blechy, hee.

It's my sis' birthday today, and conveniently it's a public holiday. Always has been, though I never figured out what for.

We all met up in a family style Italian restaurant. Ordered a couple of salads, a linguine with clams and a mushroom pizza. The salads and pasta came quickly then we had to wait a long time for the pizza. I asked the waitress about its progress and she answered "it has to be baked." I mean, duh, of course it has to be baked. My dad said, what, they serve raw pizzas here?

It was a nice crispy pizza though. Afterwards my sis and brother-in-law went shopping while my parents took my niece back to their place for afternoon nap. I wanted to go home, but then relented and went along home. It was far too hot to do anything else.

Tested out the website on Mum's machine. Yeah it's a stupid Wintel contraption. But now 3 browsers richer -- I downloaded firefox, opera and netscape onto her machine. Yeah you guessed it again, she only had explorer. How utterly predictable. I love firefox I can't stop using it. Now it has me thinking so seriously about finally switching to OS X. Sigh. How much longer can I resist? May be I'll try booting up the old iMac on OS X first.

Anyway I was happily browsering, my niece woke up and I played with her on Sesame Street for a while, she even has her own little computer hooked up to the TV. She sits on my lap and uses a paintbrush to "click" her choices on the screen (while I did the real clicking on the mouse), I think she'll know how to use a mouse very very soon. We had dinner and went home early cos they want to go swimming in their pool before it closes.

Baby goes to my parents' a lot, they call it going to boarding school or day school depending on whether she stays overnight. Their place is now full of toys and children stuff. I'm so glad to see my parents so happy with her, they argue less and give more attention to taking care of the little one. She has always followed my Dad, he was the last one to see her, only when she was about a year old, but she took to him straight away and always follows him. Even if she's throwing tantrums we'd say go and walkabout with granddad and she'd go with him, just like that.

Sometimes I feel guilty that it's taken my parents such a long time to reap the joys of having a grandchild. If sis doesn't have another little one, she's going to be the only one. Sigh. That's the one regret I have about how my life's turned out.

Yesterday we visited her sis. We went to the flower market on Saturday to get the flowers. I bought yellow tulips accompanied by small white flowers, I never know the names of flowers, I know I should. Apparently tulips mean love and passion, but yellow tulips mean "There's sunshine in your smile".

The area is concreted down and some of the neighbouring spaces already have headstones. We were able to find her place because her father sprayed a little green paint over it, as marker. It felt strange to walk on the concrete, I tried not to step directly on the ground right above the body, out of respect, and because I feel so weird about it. There were no containers yet so we laid the bouquets out on the ground.

Her parents are deciding on the wording on her headstone. I looked around on the net and found this:

Not gone from memory
Not gone from love
But gone to her Father's
Home above

Is it disrespectful to look for epitaphs on the internet? I hope she will smile and say of course not. I like the simplicity and meaning of this inscription, I always wonder how people can be so eloquent and profound with just a few words.

As for the difficulty of expressing one's feelings after loss, I wrote this when I was still in college. It's not from personal experience, I have no idea where it came from.

Departure I : Silent Breeze

I was trying to write a song for you
Trying to write some words just for you
Trying to preserve in my mind's eye
One special image of you

But all the words I wrote
Well none of them would do
These words
Words wrung from my heart
Words to tear me apart
Just weren't the words for you

As I sat alone at my desk
For hours from dawn through dusk
I could only remember your last day
And the moments we had before you went away

Suddenly on my book I wept
And all the pain and hurt I'd kept
Deep inside the void in my heart
Came up and shook my spirit apart

And all the words I wrote
Well what good are they now
These words
Words wrung from my heart
Words to tear me apart
Will never be heard by you
Are you happy there
In that other place
Are you lonely there
In that other place
Please save some love for me
Please dream a little of me
Wait and I will come
To that other place
Some day

And though I tried my best
I could not let my grief rest
Though I know that none of the words here
Can bring you back to me

All the words I wrote
Do they matter at all
These words
Words wrung from my heart
Words to tear me apart
Just slow how fragile life is

And still ...
Your memory ..
I am missing you ...

I was on the phone with my sis talking about Christmas plans and stuff like that. Her mobile rang and she went to pick it up but was too late. It was Mum.

"Probably at the market with a slipper crisis. Open toed or closed? Oh no! It's a huge dilemma," she did a good imitation of Mum.

Snerk. We're baaaad. What? We love our parents. Really.

According to tradition, the spirit of the departed returns home a certain date after their passing. To ensure a peaceful return a meal of favourite foods should be prepared and offered, and a white candle burning outside the door to guide the way. Though the Catholic part of me screams out against such paganistic rituals, the spiritual part of me hits back with why not? Respecting from afar and participating in different practices may not be the same, but they have the same starting point. The underlying theme is basically, it's good to have beliefs. And if the beliefs bring even a small smidgen of joy and comfort in times of mourning, then they are beliefs worth having.

So I had dinner with mm's family last night. And it was a veritable feast. Her mother picked out the best morsels and laid them out. I brought dessert from that little shop at the other side of town, because that's what her sis and I did the last time we had dinner, just the two of us, back before she went into hospital, when she felt fine enough to go to work, eat out and enjoy a semblance of normal life. We had a steak dinner and took the #10 bus to this shop and she told me about their famous sponge cake. So yesterday I went there and bought the special sponge cake and also the almond tea she likes. Liked. Her father kept talking to her during dinner, "do you have enough to eat?", "finished?", "want some fruit?".

Poignant moments.

It's been 2 weeks yet it feels so much like it only happened yesterday. 13 November we lost the one of us, who was the best of us.

mm's sister passed away after a long illness.

Though she was ill for a long time and at the back of our minds there was always the possibility that she would not pull though, no one can ever be prepared when it happens. Death is always sudden, however inevitable it is. The weekend before when we visited she was so weak and tired and, now that I know more, in so much pain. But how brave was she that she never complained. That she chose to suffer alone and not add to the worry and burden that was already upon her family. So we carried on with our lives, we knew the situation was dire but there was always hope.

A hundred and forty-six "if-only's" flash through my mind. If only I'd visited more often, if only the doctors were more aggressive, if only she talked about it. But none of it matters. This is how it is. It's the will of God, or whichever deity one believes in. Having a faith matters. But still, this is the reality.

I can't remember our last words, our last touch, I know I should be grief-stricken by these lost moments but all I feel are non-feelings. How many times in the past months have I held my girl while she despaired and tried not to think of the worst case scenario. My heart is heavy but there is no grief. My grandmother passed away last year and still I haven't been able to cry for her. I haven't cried for my friend. I've attended family gatherings where emotions ran high. I was there the whole time during the funeral. I saw people I cared about in their weakest, darkest moments. But me? I feel like a robot, going through the motions. Eating. Breathing. Sleeping. But not grieving. Which stage of grief is this fugue state? Did I skip denial, anger, bargaining, depression and go straight to acceptance? Or did I skip acceptance also and didn't even start on the emotions?

I don't want to feel.