Time is running out to spend with mm. Originally wanted to meet for lunch, but she was tired so I said let’s meet in the afternoon. A few more hours lost. We’ll have time, some other time.

Saw Up in the Air. Although I’ll never get millions of miles like the George Clooney character, there were a few similarities especially when I was travelling so much a few years ago, not least that I recognise that all admiral’s club lounges look the same. There was some serious product placement in that film — AA and Hilton and Hertz stand out. mm said she never wants me to become like that, I know she always worried whenever I travel.

Dinner at our usual korean place. We didn’t even need to discuss — korean for lunch and dinner were 2 different places, and it was automatic.

She showed me a couple of iphone games she’s been playing, and we eventually fell asleep at 1am.

 

Went to the office after lunch. Talked for a bit with my colleagues but mainly it was spending time with mm. She was busy but was able to get away early so we can go to dinner. I had a couple of hours to spare, it was perfect to photograph the wan chai area. There are still old buildings and temples there, not sure how much longer they will be around. I’ve always always wanted to photograph the blue building, it’s kind of a mecca for photographers.

 

For dinner, mm took me to a Japanese grill place. We had warm sake and the usual grilled food — ox tongue, fish, chicken wings. Our favourite turned out to be riceball skewers, the rice was grilled to perfection. Yum.

I had a legitimate excuse to stay with her tonight — I need to use her wifi to upload pictures. There’s no wireless at home, I couldn’t connect via ethernet, and Sis’ network was so screwed up by her network engineer friend that I couldn’t find a single connection. So, it’s over to mm’s place. One click and the airport was on. Of course that’s because she has my airport express and I set it all up myself. Heehee.

Another bbmm day. We had lunch at a “modern” chachantang (although they’ve been in business for decades) then aimlessly walked around. Eventually ended up where the marathon expo was happening and I picked up my kit a day early. Went for foot massage at the usual place then went back to our respective homes.

Times Square CNY decoration is a giant vase and ball, very red but pretty nice. We took advantage of mm still on holiday to meet up there to check out glasses. I had my eyes tested. Sigh, slight presbyopia (old age eyes) has begun to set in, but not serious enough yet. The optometrist says I can survive as is for another year or so.

When we have no plans, we tend to want to go on a bus ride, so we took the #968 and ended up in yuen long. Had dessert, bought some snacks, walked the length of the main street and took the bus back out. No plan is a great plan.

Flight arrived early at 6.45am, I was one of the first off and was out through Immigration quicker than the bags. My duffel came out first (as in the first off the belt) but the suitcase only came with the non-priority bags, brrrr. Got on the train, called home, off the train straight to the taxi and I was home by something like 7.30am. It’s cold. No heating. Took a while to unpack all the food I’d brought back. Showered and got online. Very frustrated that I can’t seem to connect my mbp to the modem, Mum doesn’t have wifi. So now I’m stuck with the 2004 PC that runs like a run/walk marathoner at mile 22. Sigh.

The good thing was, I had steamed fish for lunch and everything my parents cooked was great. It is nice to see them.

Went out in the afternoon to meet up with mm. It is valentine’s day after all. She was tired and asleep. What else could I do but join her? I was jetlagged too. Eventually we pulled ourselves up, cos otherwise we’d sleep through the night. She took me to a conveyor belt sushi place that was very yummy. The plan was to walk around but my energy level was fading so I called it a day.

It isn’t exactly the food, although it does taste nice; what I miss is going out with mm. Aside from people at work, my family and the very occasional social event, mm is the only person I go eat out with. I’ve learned that I dislike eating out alone in a restaurant — I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve done it, and all of those occasions I was on a business trip. Fast food, or even casual buffet, is fine. Restaurant? No way.

Japanese food is our favourite, and second will be Korean food. The clay pots, bbq beef, a whole table of side dishes. Yum.

Been talking to mm a lot, ever since she remembered my number and been calling me during my evenings. just as well cos I have too many meetings my morning and sometimes I can’t catch her before she goes to bed. We need to work on: a) her visiting and b) where we go for holiday next year.

Ten years ago today, 29 Sept, I arrived at New York. It was the first time I’d moved from one country to another on my own. Even though I was familiar with Asia and Europe, I was less familiar with the US.

I found this when I was cleaning up my writing stuff earlier. I’d had these scraps of paper with scribbled words for ages and ages. This is what I wrote those first days, most of it for mm. I typed it up unedited.

Brand New New Yorker

29/9
Did I tell you that when I checked in the desk clerk told me that seat 83K wasn’t reserved, but it was available anyway so I took it anyway but it turned out the recline didn’t work! Luckily the seat next to me wasn’t occupied so it was ok, the entire upstairs was only half full anyway. Couldn’t sleep very well, wrong time of day, ate and watched the films — most repeats. The Matrix, Love Letter. What the hell it helps pass the time, quite comfy anyway. Thought about you, did you hear me say good night and to wake you up? Stopped myself from thinking too much about missing you. Soon it’ll hit me that I’m not on vacation, this is for real and going to be for a long time. Busied myself thinking about where to go for your last twentysomething do, and guess what, the west coast isn’t the only place between NY and HK, there’s the whole of Europe! What about Venice or Eastern Europe?

One hour stopover in Vancouver, first time in Canada. Forgotten how pretty things are here, well designed. I know how biased you are against Canadians (Chuey…) so I didn’t get you a souvenir. Still quite tired, sitting at a coffee shop near the gate writing to you after searching in vain for an internet connection. Walked around the duty free places but no concept of how much things are, too tired to convert currencies. Can’t believe how many Asians here, announcements in English Cantonese and Mandarin. Saw logs floating on the river first time with my own eyes. Guess I’ll be using ‘first time’ a lot. It’s 2am HK time, are you asleep yet? I miss you.

30/9
Amazingly I got out in 15mins! Plane landed and we had to wait for the previous plane to vacate the parking space but once we parked I was able to get through Immigration really quickly, no comments or problems. Luggage was one of the first out and nothing at customs either. Ernie was surprised. The apartment is nice inside, can’t believe how much it costs though. A one-bedroom apartment, pretty good size we’ll be quite comfortable even if we both had to stay here. I wish you were here. Neighbourhood seems ok decent, delis, supermarkets, laundries. Bought some pizza and ate back at the apartment. Bought a phone card, prepaid with a dial-in number and an access number. Supposed to be cheaper than using the phone here. I called Mum and of course I called you, want to tell you everything but now I can’t really put words into how I’m seeing things. Lots of TV channels but not sure what is on, far too confusing for someone like me who’s used to only 4 channels plus a few on cable. Went to bed at around 11pm but woke up twice. Woke up at 7-ish couldn’t sleep more. Watched TV and read the newspaper. Raining this morning but it got sunnier later. Quiet street here not many people around.

2/10
Forced by necessity and that sense of expectation to venture out of the relative familiarity of the apartment. Promised my grandma and aunt and cousin I’d visit them, so had to go take the subway (including buying a stored value ticket) and getting a monthly train pass. All so strange, such a long time ago that I took a train. Walked from Times Square to Penn Station with the sun in my eyes, felt like a tourist yet wasn’t a tourist. Had a salad in a deli salad bar, keep adding to the places I’d take you when you come visit. Trains all over the world are so alike, buy ticket, go to platform, give ticket to conductor, change trains, avoid dozing off. Suburbs everywhere also the same, just the size varies and the names on the storefront different. But the same mentality people go through the same motions.

Talked to mm for over 1 hour today, cos she had lots to tell me, and needed to talk to me about stuff she is working on. She had called around her friends — sf, people from church, other personal friends — to ask advice. I kinda commented on the number of people she approached. And then she mock complained that the person she really needed to talk to was me, but I was asleep half way round the world. I said no wonder i kept waking up.

Sigh. It’s tough. There are times I feel so guilty for taking this assignment. Sometimes I miss the simple sensation of physical contact. Most times I shut down those feelings so much that I know that I’m in danger of losing the ability to conduct a relationship. Oh well, it is what it is. What to do. What to do.

mm is in London for a business trip, so we’ve been taking advantage of the time difference. I call her when she’s back in her hotel room after dinner. It’s nice to hear her voice.

First the factual bit. We woke up early, the alarm went off at 6.15am. Was out of the door at 7am to go to the airport express. Check-in took only a few minutes, then we went to McDonalds for tea before I had to get on the train for the airport.

There was just enough time to go to the lounge to get a bottle of water before I had to sprint to the gate. Both flights (to Tokyo and from Tokyo) were virtually empty and I had 2 seats to myself throughout. Watched some films, ate the food served to me, and was able to sleep for about 4 hours. Immigration at Chicago was atrocious, it took 1.5 hours from landing to getting on the taxi. Did laundry, went to the supermarket and cooked dinner. Tried to stay awake till normal time.

Sounds clinical and boring. But what i didn’t add were the feelings. From the beginning of the day we tried to spend as much time as possible together. I lingered as long as possible at the airport express, until just before the train was due to leave. But eventually time catches up on us and we had to hold each other close and say our good-byes. Both of us were crying by then.

I spent most of the comfortable flight over wondering what the hell I’m doing, leaving mm behind like this. Good career prospect, opportunity for writing and perhaps being published, welcoming friends — are they enough? I know we have our share of problems in our relationship, and that we’ve done the long distance thing before, but this feels different. I’m not sure how long this assignment is, I know for sure I have no job back because I’ve outgrown the region, I know I don’t want to be moving around so much anymore.

So where does it leave us? We’ve not talked about it, like we never talk about us. There’s an understanding and expectation that we will stay together. There are issues I’d like resolved before we embark on the rest of our lives, this is my point of view. so many unknowns.

We are both at high points in our careers, coming up to real responsibility and with it, earning power. From a purely practical and materialistic pov, the next few years we can make enough to be really comfortable and not have to worry about the future. May be that’s the medium term goal?

Sigh. I don’t know. I miss her like hell. I don’t miss her as much as I thought. I’m in a confused place that is entirely of my own making. And so how am I supposed to do now?

 

no spa today, but equally great. mm and i took the common ferry to the small fishing village on the other side. It’s quite a touristy area and famous for its seafood. You buy the seafood from a specialised shop then bring it to a restaurant to cook. mm treated me to a real treat — geoduck sashimi, a great steamed fish, steamed clams and cockles. The restaurant’s name was Happiness, and it was a happy meal.

We walked around the village a little, hitting a local temple and life buoys on fences that were marked decoration only. Stopped for a tea, then our walk was cut short when it started raining.

Resting back home, then went out to the wet market to get frog. Yes, frog. mm is so good at cooking that. Simply cooked with mushroom, and we both love frog. I even took a video of the legs and portions twitching when salt was added. A bit surreal and not for the squeamish, so I’ve put it behind the cut.

yet another facebook meme that my cousin tagged me. But i’m not posting on that account, and i’m emailing it to mm in private heehee.

You know the drill… copy & paste into a note, change your answers, then tag your friends. Oh, and make sure you send your answers to your spouse/significant other to let him/her check!

1. She’s sitting in front of the TV, what is on the screen?
   korean drama


2. You’re out to eat/what kind of dressing on her salad?
   oil and vinegar, or no dressing


3. What’s one food she doesn’t like?
   no particular food, but if it’s not fresh or poorly made she can tell


4. You go out to eat and have a drink. What does she order?
   she’s usually okay with the water or tea that is served, but sometimes she’ll join me for a diet coke or half a glass of beer if I’m having beer; for a more elaborate meal: wine or sake depending on the cuisine


5. Where did she go to high school?
   I know where, but I’m not posting it in public


6. What size shoe does she wear?
   4.5-5 (UK)


7. What is her favorite type of sandwich?
   chicken, ham and egg (oh wait, that’s me)


8. What would she eat every day if she could?
   chicken, fish


9. What is her favorite cereal?
   Alpen, museli, not too sweet


10. What would she never wear?
    a bikini


11. What is her favorite sports team?
    she doesn’t really watch sports


12. Who did she vote for?
    not american


13. Who is her best friend?
    M, Y, from school: CC, M


14. What is something you do that she wishes you wouldn’t do?
    too uptight, yell at her for no good reason, gets “darkfaced” when she’s late


15. What is her heritage?
    and another one I’m not posting in public


16. You bake her a cake for her birthday; what kind of cake?
    cheesecake or chocolate or just plain, she’ll like them all


17. Did she play sports in high school?
    not a lot


18. What could she spend hours doing?
    sleeping, watching tv


19. What is one talent she has?
    she works so hard, and is so smart


20. What’s her favorite color?
    something bright: red, white

A day with mm, how much better can it be?

Lunch with her family — all of them. Both her brothers have kids now and we were playing and really enjoying ourselves. I sometimes find I relate better with kids than adults, kids ask questions but adults’ questions usually render me speechless or bored.

Then we went to the big shopping centre, didn’t buy much, just walked around. She didn’t go to too many clothes shops and I behaved and wasn’t too bored. Had a long sit down at a coffee shop, we shared a portion of waffles.

Went back to her place so I can pick some pudding that she forgot to bring with her. Showed her facebook, and relaxed a little.

Dinner was hotpot, wasn’t the place we wanted to go this was a little run-down, but okay. It was spending time together that was nice.

I just came home from a wedding dinner of an old friend from college. Man, it’s a huge number of years since we were all students together (I originally put a number, but decided against it :P). Looking around the group, there’s so much achievement, we should all be proud. This is the largest alumni gathering I’ve been to, a good 5 tables were King’s people. Some I hadn’t seen for years but we chatted like the old days; some I hardly recognise; some were even before my time.

The dinner was at the Four Seasons, very posh, very grand. I’m glad I went home after work and changed into my nice $300 suit. There were people in jeans but mostly it was formal. Still, I was unconventional and wore my black and yellow Converse. Hee.

To my friend’s credit, he managed to seat people at the same table as their closest contemporaries. It was quite surreal. The only blemish was that mm couldn’t make it cos she’s on a business trip. I tried not to sound like I’m an expert on where she is, what she’s doing but sometimes people ask cos they care and I tell them. Well, we’ve known our friends for far too long, if they have issues surely they would have defriended us long ago.

The theme for this week’s photo friday is relationship. While I have a few hundred pictures with mm, I didn’t want to enter those. It’s boring for other people to see pictures of us. Plus, I would never allow personal pictures to be seen in public.

This one was taken at Lake Tarawera near Rotorua in New Zealand. It’s a pretty lake, not the prettiest we saw on that trip. We were there late afternoon so it was quiet, it was nice to spend a few minutes enjoying the water and the small sandy beach. I took this picture of our shadows in the shallow water, it was a spur of the moment shot, the light was just right. [#262]

When I spoke with her on Friday she said she’ll call me saturday night so we can arrange lunch on sunday. Well, there was no call last night. No call this morning, and I was up at 9.30am. When she finally called at 1pm she was on her way to her facial, so obviously it wasn’t to arrange lunch with me.

Under the guise that I’d go over for swimming, I went over to her place at almost 5pm. Ended up being a pillow on the couch while some godawful boring TV program was on. I was stuck with nothing to do, nothing to read, nothing to drink. Talk about utter boredom. I could have just stayed home and read.

It dawned on me that it’s all been a massive waste of time, all these years.

Met mm for lunch at our usual Korean restaurant, but that wasn’t the pampering for the day. After lunch we went to our hairdresser’s to get our hair cut, but that wasn’t the pampering for the day.

mm treated me to spa at the Four Seasons; and I treated her to dinner at the Marriott — those were the pampering for the day.

She’d booked a 90-minute relaxation massage for both of us. We got there 1.5hrs early to use the other amenities. The pampering started with the shower — not only rainforest, but 6 jets from the side. Then it was soaking in a large semi-oval whirlpool with waterfall feature. Sauna and aromatherapy steam room too. The relaxation room had reclining beds, personal TV screen and 3 choices of juices.

When it was time for the massage, we were led to the treatment area and allowed for rest for a few minutes. Initially we booked a double room but for some reason it wasn’t possible. It didn’t matter cos basically I fell asleep shortly after the massage started. I dunno, sometimes I wish I could stay awake during massages to fully appreciate it but other times I’m glad I’m relaxed enough to sleep. It included a hot stone treatment and I woke up for a minute during that.

After the massage we lounged around munching on dried fruit and hot tea. Then it was back to the steam room for one final soak before showering. Everything was available — robes, towels, shampoo, lotion, mousse.

Dinner wasn’t as pampering. We hadn’t been to lunch or dinner buffet for a long time. We agreed that even though it was at the Marriott, the standard isn’t as high as before. Or our expectations have risen up several notches. There was a giant seafood counter, but that was about it as far as wow factor went. It was a nice dinner though, it was great to spend time together and do something special to celebrate our birthdays.

mm came over for lunch, so I spent the morning in and out of the kitchen making the preparations. It’s not often that I have guests for meals — she’s the only one and lately it’s been a couple of times a year so I thought we should have a decent meal This meals clearing the dining table and getting out proper cutlery. Beats sitting at the coffee table in front of the tv for once.

We talked about starter or no starter but then decided on something light. So I made a green salad of romaine hearts, celery, pepper with fried apple. For a special touch I used truffle oil and balsamic and threw in some Serrano ham.

For main course I made roast poussin, roast potatoes and 2 veg. The poussins turned out to be more expensive than I thought, though I bought them anyway. We agreed that a normal chicken would have been just fine.

I did open a bottle of Ch&#226’teauneuf-du-Pape from the bottom of my wine rack. After letting it breathe properly it was extremely nice.

For dessert we steamed one of the small Harrods Christmas puddings she brought back from London and I made custard.

The rest of the afternoon she spent sleeping on my sofa and I alternated between reading and watching this Gordon Ramsey marathon on tv. She has a party tonight so she had to leave at 6pm. I’m still full from lunch, perhaps later I’ll have some fruit, I’m making yogurt cheese. I like having such a quiet day.

Went with mm to see her one week old niece today. As it happened her parents were also there at her brother’s house and it was a nice, albeit short, visit. The baby is very cute and well behaved — even though she was passed around all the adults as well as her almost 4 year old brother — to be coo’ed and held, she slept all the way through.

We took the minibus back to mm’s place and went to a nearby seafood restaurant. Where we promptly had an extremely big meal, hee hee. A whole box of food to doggie bag home.

During showertime (um, please. no one track mind. We were chatting and separated by the shower curtain) we talked about my niece and how not only will she not have any siblings, she won’t have any cousins either. I mean, the only chance she’ll have cousins would be if I had any children. And that is a big no. I don’t mind other people’s kids but I’m too set in my comfy life and routine to change. I don’t even know if I can get used to not living alone. If I were to have any kids, I said, it’ll have to be mm’s. And she has too much on her plate, between family, work, church — to have any sort of time for that.

Isn’t it strange, that when you were like 5 or 6 you tended to think of your future as the typical one, like your parents — marriage, children and all that. But how life doesn’t turn out that way. The only regret is there won’t be anyone genetically descended from me, but that’s not a big deal.

mm has been away on holiday for 10 days. There seems to be a pattern, with us going on holiday separately lately. On the one hand we’re not wanting to be in each other’s hair all the time, on the other hand it’s a little unsettling.

She’s not slept well since she came back on Wednesday so our original plan to spend the weekend together was scrapped, so she can catch up on her rest. She called me this morning and we decided that she’d stay at home and be lazy while I went over in the afternoon. She has dinner with her family so it’s basically just the afternoon.

We had presents to exchange — she got me a Harrods mug, some snacks, a set of coasters from Paris and returned the maps, adaptors and charger I lent her for the trip. I gave her some chocolate, Japanese sweets and the jar of kitkat I got from the office vending machine.

We watched tv and had tea. She made Earl Grey using a teapot (teabags still, but it’s a nice teapot). We had some of the Japanese dessert.

I did my grocery shopping and went home at 6pm. It’s a relaxing way to spend an afternoon.

mm got a raise, yay! so she treated me to dinner tonight. We had lobster nachos, rack of lamb and a jug of Sangria. Originally we wanted to have a 3-course meal, but were far too full to have dessert. We were looking forward to either chocolate pudding or apple & blueberry crumble, but that’s for another day.

Walked around a little after, then I got a bus home and she took a taxi. She’s been working very hard these few days; between that and church stuff it’s like we don’t have any time to hang out. Sigh. That’s priorities for you.

mm and I couldn’t stop calling each other today. She’s back from pilgrimage and we were talking quite a bit on the phone, even though the convos were short because we kept being interrupted. :)

I tried checking mm’s flight departure details from Ben Gurion airport but kept getting server busy errors and can’t load the page. Checked Rome airport and looks like the flight landed at 8.34am.

I feel better now.

mm is in Israel, on her pilgrimage. The Foreign Office advises against travelling to the Gaza Strip and West Bank, and warns travellers to be vigilant in Jerusalem, Tel Aviv and basically the whole of Israel. Terrorism and such like has never really bothered or scared me, there are 100+ people travelling with her and they’re on a religious journey.

Nevertheless, I asked her to email me more often so I know she’s okay. I’ll be more comfortable when they reach Italy next week.

We hadn’t seen each other for almost two weeks, but mm is so busy nowadays with church causes. We had a few hours today in between her finishing work and needing to go to St Teresa’s for rosary service, mass and meetings.

I bought her a rosary bracelet from the catholic store in Chicago that my friend’s mom worked in. I hadn’t given her anything for baptism, I hope she likes it. :)

We went to a Portuguese restaurant for late lunch. By the time we finished it was past 3pm. Walked a little bit, to look for some preserved salted mandarins she wanted to give to Father.

I didn’t go with her to St Teresa’s. I would have wanted to attend the mass but I’m not sure if I can do the rosary prayer meeting beforehand. I did think of bringing the mbp, but that would have been extremely rude.

It’s been a while since we spent more than 24 hrs together, apart from vacation. She’s been here since last night.

I woke up obscenely early, luckily she was able to sleep in a bit. Went out for a late lunch at a nice dim sum place (very nice!), went to the computer centre, then took the bus to the church where she was baptised. Attended saturday service again. Funny, I got on the bus without thinking, and 1/3 of the way there it occured to me, why was I going to church with mm? hee. I think she tricked me. :)

She stayed for meetings and I went home afterwards. I have a pile of ironing to do but I didn’t feel like it.

mm got baptised tonight.

I got to the church around 6.45pm, the mass was supposed to start at 8pm but we were advised to go early to get seated. There were lots of people there already.

Her brother and sis-in-law arrived, and we decided to find seats elsewhere, we found some at the side of the church, so we weren’t facing the fathers, but it was nearer. Pretty good seats. I sat with her parents and her brothers, all in the family.

The mass was long, much longer than usual. Lots of singing. Plus, it was Easter. There were 140 potentials there getting baptised but the fathers and staff there made sure they were done efficiently.

I managed to get a clear picture of mm bent over the basin for baptism, even though it was a back shot it was rather good. The other pictures of confirmation wasn’t as good, let’s home mm’s dad took better ones.

The mass finished 3 hrs later, so it was past 11pm. Then everyone wanted to take photos of the group; with the fathers; in their little groups. People walked up to the “stage” which I always thought was off-limits.

Her brother drove us home. mm will be going to CC for mass tomorrow morning. But I won’t be going.

Happy birthday, mm!

We didn’t see each other during the day, I was at work as usual and I forgot that she took the day off and called her office. Luckily her secretary reminded me. Ooops.

Busy at work but I finally got away and home for packing. There wasn’t time even for the work travel agent to bring the India tickets round for me so I had to pick it up from a strange location at the airport. But I jump ahead.

We met at the in-town check-in and got sorted. Then to the airport so I could pick up said India ticket from the waiting area for limousine transfers.

Flight was at midnight, we were quite tired.

went with mm to the church she’ll be baptized, it’s not the one she normally goes to, but it’s the one I sometimes went to when I was young. I showed her how to get there by bus, cos she normally goes via subway. We walked a little way from the church and had a simple lunch. Walked around the street stalls afterwards, then it was time for her to go to a pre-baptism activity.

Part of me thinks I should have gone with her. Reading her post, her dad even came back especially. Sigh, I’m not being a good … what are we? What are bbmm in the eyes of God?

I read the essay she wrote for Fr Lok, it really flowed. And told a very moving story in simple words without being overly sentimental. It was a journey of someone who found the love of god, obviously written by someone with very strong faith. And I definitely think she ought to translate and post it. I’m not surprised Fr Lok asked her to write an article for the church paper, it’s a good example for all the people studying and even for people who are still pondering.

Sometimes I wonder if there is a specific path that God wants mm to follow — it’s like God has been waiting for her to find love all these years and now that she’s there, He has plans for her enthusiasm, openness and ability. I’m so proud, but there is a small part of me that wonders if I have a strong enough place in it. Well, it’s something we need to discuss and I shouldn’t be posting this on here and shocking mm like this. Sorry!!!!! :)

I haven’t posted in almost a week. Considering how much effort I have been making since October, to have a post a day, it’s something … unusual. I mean, I have a whole stack of odds-and-ends links from sources like cnet and boing boing and newspapers to keep me posting regularly, all I need is to dust them off and write a few sentences. No biggie.

I dunno. Colours seem to be less bright nowadays.

Which is frustrating because this is the time that mm needs me most, to be super supportive. I’m very happy that she’s getting baptised at Easter, it is a reward for her dedication and hardwork ever since she started studying for the doctrine. It’s been something we both want for such a long time. On an intellectual level I totally get her enthusiasm, but on an emotional level, because I went through the “fast track” the most I can do is to be empathetic. It’s the same with toys — I grew up in a toy shop, so there isn’t the utter delight when someone gives me a new toy. I hope mm doesn’t mind and know that I am there for her 500%.

I’m also happy to see that mm has thought through a lot of inner stuff and seems genuinely happy. In fact she’s all glowy and radiant!! Is it what people describe as love? Love for god? I hope so, because god’s love is there, but not everyone gets it.

I just wish I could suss out why I’m feeling so lethargic. I spent most of this weekend at home, and I’m fine with it.

We feel closer after our vacation, hard to say goodbye at the end of a weekend. So now today it’s sunday and I’m at her place. I’ll go to work from here tomorrow.

We touched on the subject of where to live, and whether we can live together again. We joke about too much furniture and mortgages and different hobbies. We want more closeness and intimacy — I always say trying to cram 5 days worth of expectations to 2 is always hard — yet we like the independence and mutual respect. It’s still an open subject. And good to know that we’re not alone.

The plan was for me to go over tonight, but since I was sick, mm has graciously said she’d come over instead. She brought frozen scallops and cooked them with noodles. Simple but delicious.

Thanks, mm honey.

The weather was supposed to turn bad, with stormy rain and gusty winds. So we took whatever advantage we could and had lunch outside, at our usual Japanese restaurants, so we could save the food originally earmarked for lunch for dinner. And boy it was very windy alright.

Nice lunch, as usual. I had chirasi set and she had the mackerel / tempura bento. That restaurant needs to start giving us frequent flyer miles (or at least the restaurant equivalent), heehee.

Walked to the nearby market and bought some vegetables and, um, frogs for dinner. It was kinda gross watching the guy skin the animals, but he did it so quickly. I pretended it was fish, cos I can tolerate that. Fresh frogs steamed on rice, yummy.

She has another Korean drama series that is grabbing her intererst, so she was watching it in the bedroom. I was playing around her Powerbook and switching between Travel & Living and BBC, cool. Not long after coming back for lunch, I got real tired and took a nap until almost dinner time.

Lazy day. It’s surprising how close we felt, even in different rooms.

We met our financial advisor today. We have quite a neat sum, we want to think about retirement, but will we have enough to live on? Our investments are doing fine, she is doing such a good job of researching and keeping an eye on the markets.

What should we do when we retire? Where do we live? How do we keep ourselves occupied? I dunno, I just want to not have to work.

Today was a public holiday. We started the day with no plans, which isn’t the best way to start a day. It looked like a hot day, even from inside, so I was in no mood to go outside. I should make more of an effort.

A college friend called her early afternoon and we remembered what we needed to do — pay respects to the father of another college friend. So that was decided. We even had dinner with the group and it was quite late when we returned home.

She still had to go home afterwards. Why are we in this situation of living apart? That everything we plan and want to do are crammed in the weekends, but when saturday and sunday comes along it’s like we can’t do/perform all these things like it’s an appointment. Sigh. What to do.

Today the plan was for yoga. And what did we do? We stayed at home! Heehee. She was feeling crampy, so I rubbed her tummy and we took a nap.

Sometimes you don’t need to do fancy things to enjoy time together. Sitting next to her on the couch, she watching TV, me reading stuff on the PB — that’s heaven already.

I just wish it wasn’t so hot so I don’t drip all over the place, even after a shower. :P

I don’t think I’ve ever been on many dates, and neither has mm. Ours is a practical and unromantic relationship. And I was crabby yesterday and made her worried, instead of being mad, she said why don’t we have a date? Oh how sweet! We went to lunch together too, just the simple congee and noodle place near work.

At first dinner date was karaoke, but it’s booked. Then we wanted to go for steak, but earliest was 8.30pm, so we went back to our normal Jap place. But it was still a date. Sweetness.

Then back home, and it’s just a simple, happy time. Even though it’s totally pouring outside and we got completely soaked (even with the giant golf umbrella), it didn’t dampen our mood.

Did I mention I love the Garfield t-shirt, even though we joked today that it’s in the way, that we have Garfleid in between our skin and it needs to come off.

Why? Two reasons. First is that you forgot it when we moved from London. It stayed at the bottom of my pile of t-shirts those few years of not being together, cos I didn’t have the heart to throw it away. It reminded me too much. And now you’re wearing it again it gives me a nice feeling.

Second reason is I love how it feels, it’s a very old t-shirt that is quite worn down, which means it’s very thin and smooth. Thin means I can feel better. Feel what? I’ll leave it to your imagination.

Flew back today, not recommended to fly when you’re sick, I tell ya. Apart from the coughing, it’s the pain inside your ears when the plane lands, no amount of swallowing, yawning or chewing gum can help.

It was hot too, so imagine a miserable me getting home, bone tired. And what a sight to greet me! My darling mm was home and she made me soup!!!!!

Every unhappy cell went away all of a sudden :) .

We had lunch with my family today, and dinner with hers. A truly “meet the parents” kind of day. Of course she knows my folks well, and I’m almost part of her family. But … there’s always the but.

Lunch we went to the club at the small island by the beach. My niece had a great time and we ordered food for the bbq the club set up outside. It was really hot and I wasn’t prepared, had only a vegetable-like T-shirt on and must have looked like a vegetable. Food was good though.

Foot massage in the afternoon, then dinner with her family. Proper served meal and private room. Very nice food, good company. Needless to say, I’m extremely full. Her Mum gave me some herbal tea, cos I was breaking out in spots and she boiled it specially for me.

Just to show how different our respective families are. Mine is more serious, have a more simple view of the world. Hers is more worldly, knows about relationships and in general more noisy, but in an endearing kind of way.

Don’t think they’ll mix terribly well though.

We met up with our financial advisor today. Though most of our money is held separately, we have an investment account in our joint names. Actually it’s 2 accounts, one lumpsum and the other a monthly savings plan.

It’s grown, and we have a neat and tidy sum there. It was all her idea and I just latched on, so I’m glad she thought about it.

We’re going to open another one, to house the GBP I have sitting as cash in my account for so many years, not earning much. It’ll be spread between one fund is invested in college campus accommodations and another fund that’s a hedge of hedges.

I still don’t know what to do with my bonus. I want to buy more CHF but it’s dreadfully expensive, so is EUR and GBP. It’s frustrating when the dollar is so weak. With interest rates still low it doesn’t make sense to repay my mortgage. I have to do more research, but I know that I’ll just end up relying on her ideas.

I noticed through bloglines that mm has updated her weblog with 4 entries! And I totally missed them, what sort of webmaster am I?? *Well, the sort that turned off email notification, that's how*.

They're such great entries, I have to go read them again and add my own. I feel proud of her achievement, but on the other hand, a little worried cos she's got so much pressure and expectations placed on her shoulders.

It's the second Wednesday of me staying at her place. It's becoming a habit, yay.

Bonus communication today. Remember last year? I had no expectations, and even though it was less, I was happy.

This year's bonus was higher than last year's, and I got a 3% salary increase, which was unexpected. I'm happy. I know other people probably got more, but I'm still happy with what I got.

So we went out to celebrate, for a Japanese meal. Twitching fish, fish soup, extra sashimi, grilled fish. I had a choya.

It's a good feeling, hope it can become a habit.

It does seem to be work out this way, but I don't think it's set in stone or mandatory. And she commented on it this morning.

It usually works out that if we're at my place I cook and if we're at hers she cooks. Witness today. We started the day at my place, so I made lunch of steamed sausages on rice and veg, plus dumplings. After lunch we hung out leisurely for a bit, she washed her hair, checked email. Then we took a bus out to the beaches and walked around. Ended up at her place. And now it's time for dinner and I'm playing on the iMac while she makes our dinner of crab, fish and soup.

Really, it's a coincidence but that's exactly how it happened.

We had last weekend's episode of a program we needed to watch, cos we have to catch up. I recorded it on my video but we were at her place over the weekend. So anyway I took it as an excuse to see her. We met for simple dinner, walked home to her place and watched it together.

Just a rare weekday we can spend together. :)

The weather's been shit. Either it's so hot it's like a sauna, or suddenly there's a thunderstorm. Which left puddles along the road.

So on our way out of the library to the café where we wanted to have afternoon tea we had to walk along a narrow stretch of pavement that brought us a bit too close to a few large pools of water. I noticed, I thought she'd too. But alas, no. She got royally drenched by this stupid car that was going very fast and straight onto the puddle of water. I watched the wheel hit the water and splashed all over her. Direct hit.

She was miserable and angry. Of course I helped out with the cleaning up and the commiseration. But inside a small part of me was laughing. At how she managed to get bullseyed. And how she didn't notice and got out of the way. I mean, I saw the car coming and stopped.

I feel like I'm a bad person. You're in a relationship, you expect to be supportive with each other, not making fun when it's inappropriate. what's wrong with me?

It's so hot. But what am I doing about it? Zilch. Right now I'm in the study and I should have the aircon on but I don't bother, I just have the vertical fan giving scant reprieve from the stifling heat and humidity.

I feel sticky, even after a shower. mm says it's because I use hot water. She didn't say it like I should or should not be using water at that temperature, it was just an objective observation.

Last night was bad, very bad. I had the aircon on full blast and I felt myself getting hotter and hotter, even without any covering. My back and neck were burning up. We were getting a little flushed cos we hadn't seen each other in 2 weeks and we both wanted the same thing. But then I got far too hot and had to cool off and then, horrors, we both fell asleep.

Missed the golden opportunity. Ooops.

I couldn't have physical contact cos my skin'd stick to hers if I did. Took me a long while to actually get to sleep.

Heat.
Flush.
Feverish.
Steamy.
Passion.

It's been a fantastic long weekend. We both subconsciously decided to put our problems aside and communicate more and make the relationship work. I think, hope, we've grown closer.

Today we took a long distance bus, had lunch walked around the shops and just enjoyed each other's company. It was nice. May be in the long run our lives can be like this all the time.

I have hope.

So yesterday I took a half day and was gone by noon. Picked up some Easter Eggs and ingredients for soup then headed for her place. She originally said she'd stay over at mine's the night before my birthday but she was too sick, fever and stomach flu. I feel guilty because I let her sense my disappointment, even though logically and rationally she wasn't in any shape to travel.

She was really tired so I left her in bed. Had a quick lunch, did some surfing, played Dope Wars, which I haven't done in a long long long while.

Eventually I crawled into bed as well, although I didn't consciously intended to sleep I pretty much fell asleep immediately. I must have been dreaming or stressed cos later she told me I was grinding my teeth.

I woke up when she started shivering. She said she was cold and she already had 3 blankets on. The shivering got worse and no amount of holding or wrapping helped. I was really worried. How could she be shivering when her temperature was at 101. Called the doctor who told us to get to his clinic asap (doesn't he do house calls?). He was a bit worried as well and gave her new, stronger medicine.

Getting out and about may have helped, when we got home the shivering had stopped and after an hour or so she felt well enough to brave a shower while I stood watch. For a change no ulterior motives - well, not much.

I didn't stay over. I can't really say exactly why. I'm not going over tonight either.

I feel like I'm being an asshole. Not being there when I'm most needed. There's guilt. A fair bit of guilt.

My feelings are like a seesaw, up and down, hot and cold, and I'm thinking, thinking. I can't stop. Sometimes I have a deep, warm want that spreads up through me unabated. Other times I drift away, my mind on other things, things that have nothing to do with us, even though we're sitting right next to each other.

We both deserve better. Just that right now I don't know if I can give her everything she deserves, just like she's feeling bad that she's falling short of what she wants to give me.

So many words and I'm just skirting round the real issue and feelings.

Yesterday was her birthday, I took her to this champagne buffet brunch, all limitless Moët and 8 kinds of fruit juices and 3 types of oysters and lobsters and giant tiger prawns with cajun flavouring and sushi and prime rib. Highest quality of every sort of luxury food imaginable. Even the pizza was great.

Overindulgence plus probably the result of eating 2 dozen oysters I came down with the mother of all food poisoning. We made it back to her place, just, and I got hit with a splitting headache and the constant need for the bathroom.

I feel so bad to have ruined my baby's birthday. She says it's okay and I know she doesn't mind. But I need to make it up to her.

In a couple of days' time it's my turn. Originally we'd booked another posh buffet but we might cancel and have something simple at home. It really doesn't matter how we celebrate, the most important thing is we're together.

Okay I'll knock off the sickly sweetness now.

Two full days and I did not touch a computer once. Not being at home, my home, helped, still I'm giving myself a little credit for not touching her iMac, hell I only went into her study once to get a T-shirt out of the closet. Even when she's in the shower, or cooking. I was up to part 90-something of a fic that is currently at something like part 150 and just finished chapters that are arguably the best in the series. Lots of anticipation and wanting to read them over and over.

The thought was there. It whispered to me, quite insistently at times, that I can make time and read a couple of chapters. But I wanted to show where my priorities are, should be, that it's what I want. That she's not fighting a losing battle with the computer. Cos that has been mentioned, more than once. May be it's false promises because we both know full well what I'd be doing come Sunday night and all the other nights during the week. That I can't sustain a net-free existence for long and certainly where there is no end date.

Which means that at this stage we're in no way ready to live in the same house again. Even though a small notion, an inkling, is germinating in both of our heads, the way one of us sometimes mentions it in passing. Our lives have moved apart due to the passage of time and circumstances. And we'll need to grow closer and be more comfortable about this new incarnation of our relationship to even start thinking about building a life together.

So much has changed since those early days when we had very little money but so much more freedom. And at one stage, for some bizarre reason, 3 cars. That we didn't have to apologise to anyone, including ourselves, if we slept in till the sun was way up in the sky, or frolicked till the moon has done its rounds through the night, or spread a sleeping bag out in the living room and spent whole days and nights there.

Now, now we're different people. With jobs. And mortgages. And heads that would not stop churning out thoughts. That we talk about when we can afford to take a week's break rather that if we can afford the price of the holiday. That we debate the merits of the different investment fund choices for our portfolio. That we talk about drawing up power of attorney for hospital visitation rights and inheritance rights.

I still have some doubts. I can't forget what has happened before and I don't want it a repeat of the pain. I can't bring myself to say the words. I don't know if I feel them yet. Truly feel them. I wait for the earthquake, the tingles and the breathlessness to hit me but they seem to have passed me by. Perhaps it doesn't work that way any longer. Those are the usual manifestations of a new relationship. Ours isn't new. Even though it's only been 6 months or so this time round. There's too much emotional baggage and history for the earth to shatter. It might tremble a bit but most of the time it'll just rumble on steadily.

We've been together 5 or so years during the last 12. It's not been easy. But I hope we want this enough to make it work. I do.

It's getting warmer, soon I'll have to dry clean and put away my winter coats.

It's a warm tingly feeling when you're buying a hot chocolate for someone who you know will feel all the sweet sugary goodness in that one small cup all the way to their toes.

It's a warm tingly feeling when you both say the same thing, react the same way, at the same time. It's almost like two brains are as one.

It's a warm cozy feeling, having dinner at home. Sashimi and chicken wings and sake. Such simplicity. Such luxury. Such warmth.

I hate it when we argue, hate it hate it hate it.

I hate it even more when we hang up the phone still angry at each other which means we end up going to bed angry.

Fester fester.

Rot rot.

... for out of routine sleeping and waking patterns. Christmas Eve we didn't go to bed till like 4.30am, playing mahjong all night. Christmas morning woke up at 1pm, had a nice but rushed lunch and I had to go home to pick up the presents to go to my parents' place for Christmas dinner.

Boxing Day woke up real early, like 6am, to go to the last mass in Clara's memory. Had breakfast with her family and by the time I got home it was only 10am. Rest of the day spent by myself downloading songs, updating the website and reading a new fic.

Today when I opened my eyes finally it was 1.50pm. Lunch, washing up and chores later and it's already dark. Half the day's gone before I know it.

There's something about the quiet and solitude that makes it quite pleasant. What we've been telling each other it's our own private time. Can get addictive, this private time.